First Time

My fine is $385.60

2007-02-09T22:31:00.000-08:00

Just read the "offense" and if you've done it, you owe that fine. Keep going until you've read each "offense" and added up your total fine. When you are done, post your score as a comment. Title your post "My fine is $........" You don't have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine.

Smoked pot -- $10
Did acid -- $5
Ever had sex at church -- $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you -- $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace -- $25
Had sex for money -- $100
Ever had sex with a Puerto Rican -- $20
Vandalized something -- $20
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
Beat up someone -- $20
Been jumped-- $10
Crossed dressed -- $10
Given money to stripper -- $25
Been in love with a stripper -- $20
Kissed some one who's name you didn't know-- $0.10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work -- $15
Ever drive drunk -- $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk-- $50
Used toys while having sex -- $30
Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20
Went skinny dipping -- $5
Had sex in a pool -- $20
Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20
Cheated on your significant other -- $10
Masturbated -- $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend -- $20
Done oral -- $5
Got oral -- $5
Done / got oral in a car while it was moving -- $25
Stole something -- $10
Had sex with someone in jail -- $25
Made a nasty home video -- $15
Had a threesome -- $50
Had sex in the wild -- $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars-- $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50
Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25
Went streaking -- $5
Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15
Been arrested -- $5
Spent time in jail -- $15
Peed in the pool -- $0.50
Played spin the bottle -- $5
Done something you regret -- $20
Had sex with your best friend -- $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work-- $25
Had anal sex -- $80
Lied to your mate -- $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $25

Exposed

2007-01-21T20:05:00.000-08:00

I have been avoiding my blog for fear of being “caught”. Several months ago, I made the mistake of leaving my computer open on my blog page for my husband to stumble across. For the most part, I try to avoid posting anything too personnel on my page for the very reason that it is part of the public domain. In addition, my anonymity has been compromised for sometime given that I am part of a blog community of sorts. So I normally don’t publish anything I wouldn’t share publicly. However, on occasion, I do publish information I wouldn’t necessarily share with my husband. Let me explain.

My husband is very jealous, and not the good kind of jealous. Is there such a thing, one might ask. Well, yeah, kind of. Sometimes it is nice to know that your husband cares a little bit that other people might be looking at you. Unfortunately, my husband cares a lot. Even when the person who might be admiring me is completely not my type. It is annoying, yes. But it is my reality, so I try to keep him sheltered from such information.

Well, when he stumbled across my blog, he just happened to read that someone in my MBA program confessed to having a crush on me. When he saw that, he did not even bother to read further to decipher how I might feel about that. The simple fact that someone else expressed interest in me was enough to send him through the roof.

But he didn’t fess up to it right away. Instead he started acting really strange. Asking all sorts of suspicious questions. Interrogating me for a couple of weeks until I finally lost it.

Me: “You know what?!? This is getting really old. Are you accusing me of something or what?”

Him: “You want to know the truth?”

Me: “Uh, yeah!”

Him: “I read your blog. Who is it in your class that told you he has a crush on you?”

Me: “I knew it! I knew it! You had no right. Did you even read further, when I said I thought it was a little inappropriate? It’s not like I acted all flattered or something!”

No point. His ego had been damaged. How dare another man so boldly hit on his wife?

Him: “He came to my house! He drank my beer! There are rules. You just don’t hit on somebody’s else’s wife!”

Rules? Huh? Okay, I get it a little bit. But the anger thing, I did not appreciate because I did nothing wrong. Unless you count not telling him, but my philosophy over the years with this kind of stuff has been to keep him protected. Especially since it has never been of any consequence. Call me wrong, but he is just completely unreasonable about stuff like this.

Anyways, after that fiasco, I have been afraid to even open my blog for fear that he might come across it again. Then there was Little Star’s blog about her husband’s ex-wife hitting up her blog several times a day to decipher information that she would later use against her. I started worrying that my IP address was giving me away on the internet as a “stalker”, since I am notorious for using Google and My Space to find old classmates and co-workers unbeknownst to them. Or so I thought. What the hell?!? I started to realize I do not know enough about technology to not leave my digital fingerprints all over the damn web.

But I am feeling like I am ready to take a chance once again. This time with some rules and a little better understanding of what really does show up in a blog “counter” (Thanks Little Star!)

So I am back. At least for now.

New Beginnings

2006-09-16T08:14:00.000-07:00

All my pain and suffering this past year has at last paid off--I found out yesterday that I have a new job! I am so excited and relieved at the same time. I will be working in a new department with really great people. Plus I will no longer have to do math all day long which was beginning to become such a bore. I will be working with customers directly and be responsible for project management. Plus there will be some opportunities for travel. It is such validation that I am finally being given an opportunity to do something that I think I will really be good at. What I was doing before I could have learned and eventually became okay at, but I was never going to be passionate about it. This new job, I really think I am going to enjoy. Yeah! Plus my old department is going through a big re-organization with new teams. I had just found out I was going to be placed on a team with someone I was not looking forward to working with. And now it just doesn't matter anymore.

I have had a heck of a year with work, so this is a huge payoff afterall. I still feel like I am dreaming, but thank goodness I am not!

The "It" Girl

2006-08-06T18:08:00.000-07:00

I went to a barbecue this weekend for a friend from college. I was expecting to see the usual faces there. When out of no where--she was there. The "It" girl. You know the one. She was the one with the perfect clothes, the perfect life, the one that everyone loved, and the one that never gave you the time of day. Daddy is a plastic surgeon. Spring Break vacations were always spent somewhere fabulous, with a brand new wardrobe to go along. In the mornings, she would lay out her outfits on her door--always a label, always perfect. She worked out and had a great figure. All the cute boys talked to her. And everyone knew who she was.

Needless to say, not much has changed since. Except for now, she is pretty nice and you cannot help but to genuinely like her. Before I realized who she was, I had been admiring her from the backside--cute jeans, cute shoes, cute top. Come to find out she is 5 months pregnant and still manages to look as cute and sassy as always. She is an attorney. Husband is an orthodontist. They were in town for a mini-triathalon--"I was going to compete, but then I thought I had better not since I am preganant." Really?!? Because you ain't ever gonna catch me in a triathalon, mini or not, pregnant or not! She is just so stinking perfect and I could feel myself green with envy all over again.

Our 10 year college reunion is just around the corner. So we were discussing whether she plans to attend or no. Me? Well, I was the biggest dufus in college. Total dork. Totally ugly. I did not hang out with anyone, or attend all the cool parties. Unfortunately, I have some friends on the committee and they are really pressuring me to go. No one is going to remember me. And it will bring up all kinds of awkward feelings all over again. So I have every reason to not be excited about attending, right? Yet, I am going. Her on the other hand has every reason to go. She was the "It" girl afterall. Everyone will remember her. Plus she has the picture perfect life everyone expected. Yet, she is not that keen on it and probably won't be there.

I guess the lesson I learned is that people can and do change. We all grow up and even the "It" girl moves on. It was actually pretty cool to see her. I can see why she was so very popular. I really think she was and is a good person and therefore people were and continue to be drawn to her. She seems really genuine. Values family a lot. And I think friends, too. I guess I missed out by not getting to know her back then. Maybe it was my own awkwardness that put up what seems was probably an artificial barrier between us. And it is probably my insecurities that have continued to prevent me from giving her a chance up until now. I am glad I did. And now I think I too can move on.

School's cool!

2006-07-11T17:32:00.000-07:00

Just a little over 6 months into grad school and only 30 minutes to spare before class starts. What to write? I knew that going back to graduate school would be life changing, but I never expected in what ways. Of course I am learning a lot and growing my mind, but I never anticipated the "spiritual" awakening that I am undergoing. Not spiritual in terms of God or anything like that, but just a need to find a higher purpose and a calling to define my legacy. I used to laugh when people talked about personal mission statements, now all of a sudden I am clammering to try to come up with my own. Crazy!

Not only have I undergone so many changes in my mind and soul, but I look at the group of people that I have surrounding me today and it is a completely different group of people then who I was surrounded by just 6 months ago. That was a transformation I was not anticipating either.

I had to make a decision to get rid of a lot of the baggage. I realized pretty quickly, now that I have such limited time, where my energy is best spent. If you are not positively contributing to my life, you have got to go. At least for the time being. I just don't have the energy to be the pillar that I have always been to so many. At first I felt kind of shitty about it. I mean I have always played the role of responsible, head on straight for others. But seriously, I just do not have the energy to try to hold anyone else up right now. I need to be selfish and think of me.

I am so thankful that I made the decision to go back to school. Right now things at work are not going so well and I am so greatful to have such a positive influence in my life that school provides. I can absolutely control the outcome. There are no stupid politics involved. I get the validation that I need. And a reminder that I am not the loser that I am made to feel like everywhere else. Here I can contribute meaningfully and receive back meaningfully. It is exactly what I need in my life right now and a big reason why I can let so many of the fucked up things around me go.

I have not felt this much at peace in a long while. I get the month of August off which will be fabulous. It will give me some much needed time to catch up with friends and family, myself, and with chores around the house. But I will also be very thankful when the weather changes once again and it is time to hunker down and hit those books once again. I am so thankful to those in my life who encouraged me to take the leap and continue to cheer me on (you all know who you are). It is a good feeling to know that people believe in you, even when the world around you gets tough.

Loser!

2006-05-23T17:32:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, there was an announcement at work that one of the newer folks received a promotion over me. What the hell?!? I was pretty pissed, so I went to my manager and had a discussion. Receiving a promotion after just a year and half is practically unheard of in my position. In fact, there are specific criteria that you must meet and rumor has it that several exceptions were made. No way this can be happening to me. It is my biggest fear realized. I am going to get left behind.

Nine months ago, I took a temporary assignment to head up a special project. I was told it was going to be such a great opportunity. In many ways it has been, but the result is that ultimately I must return to my old job where I am nine months behind everyone else. "Don't look at it as though you are being penalized," my manger says to me. "You made a choice." Yes, but how much of a choice do you really have in these situations, right? To say no would have set me back in a different direction.

So now here I am, the fifth year senior. No promotion in sight for me in the near future. In fact, when she ran it up the ladder, it was a unanimous "Not right now." So if not now, when? Especially considering that she is not going to help me to get the exposure I need to get there.

This just adds insult to injury, seeing as I was recently declined for another position within the company just a few short weeks ago. I feel like I am spinning my wheels in the sand and going no where. I am being told that my focus has been to diversified. In other words, I should have made better decisions about what I thought I wanted to do. Because my focus was too broad and directed more towards leadership. So now I am feeling like all that "exposure" I received was all for not, and my manager is making me feel like an ingrate. "I sacrificed myself, so that you could have that opportunity." Are you kidding me with that shit?!?

Well great because it got both of us a whole lot of nowhere. What the hell am I doing with my life? I am back at school to get a degree, and now I am really beginning to question if it is even worth it. Especially since the resounding message that I am getting at work is that I am a fuck up loser that is not good enough to do anything. I am so frustrated right now. I got the news Monday about my promotion and I left work early. Then I called in today. I am so over it right now. I wish I never had to go back there.

I am sure I am going to get sandbagged now that all the managers know that I asked to be considered for a promotion. When pleading my case, my manager made the smart move of mentioning the other person, so now I am sure all the managers think I am immature and spiteful. GREAT! Just what I need. That will be super going forward for the rest of my damn career. I might as well get out while I can. No one likes a complainer and a whiner. "How is she different from Superstar?" Really?!? Who in the hell says that? No, that doesn't paint me in a bad light or anything. Especially since Superstar is the VPs pet. Nice job! I am sure I will never be living this one down. Might as well plan on being in my position for several more years.

I cannot help but to believe that the universe is sending me a message. Maybe I am really that dull. Maybe I am truly not deserving of any position of rank. I am having serious doubts about my abilities. Especially since it is coming from a multitude of sources. Who am I kidding? "Most Likely to Succeed" my ass. I guess I was the fool to believe it. Clearly that is not the case. I wasn't good enough at my previous job and I am still not good enough. And from the sounds of things I probably never will be.

Making myself crazy

2006-05-16T14:03:00.000-07:00

It has not been this quite down here in a while. Not sure what the difference is this week from the last few, but I am definitely a little bored today. To compound matters, there is no one to email or chat at. K was good for that. For better or worse.

I want to be home playing in the sun. I have class tonight. So I will run home and change. I have nothing to deliver tonight. I need to try to get the banking done in bits and pieces. It is critical that I at least deal with stuff that is due.

I also need to start working on my paper. I will tackle it beginning tomorrow. 3-4 hours beginning between 6 and 7. I need to get C's invites in the mail tonight. I am going to stop worrying about how much or how little notice we are giving folks. I figure it is her shower, so she only has herself to blame. I tried getting this information from her a while back.

I should give Little Star a call. I need someone to ground me. I am feeling a little frazzled and overwhelmed. She is a calming influence that can take me outside of myself for a little bit. She is far removed from my crazy life, so has no opinions either way.

I would like to see people, but need to realize that I am not obligated. Nor do I have to feel obligated to see anyone. It is not priority and the school thing is temporary and expensive. So I should try to focus. I can do that. It helps to reduce the stress level.

Why do I care? I have this need to be the harmonizer. I do not like it when people are not in harmony. I assume that L is unhappy, but I do not know that for fact. Operating on that assumption, makes me "pity" her and seek out criticism. It is quite possible that everything is just fine, so I need to stop trying to fix things. Okay. Beginning tomorrow, I am going to stop trying to fix what I perceive to be broken. It is highly likely nothing is broken at all. Be more like D. Disinterested. Not that being disinterested is a negative. Another assumption. I associate that behavior with a lack of compassion. Not so. Really a much smarter strategy than my own.

Need to really inwardly focus. Spending too much energy wasted worrying about others and how to fix their problems. Worrying about others and what they think of me or how they perceive me. Worrying that people will forget about me if I don't make all the required appearances.

I spent some down time just not worrying about anything at all last night. It was really nice. It helped me to put much of what is going around me in perspective. I discovered that not very much of it matters at all. The world is not going to come to an end if I don't finish my laundry, or skip a chapter in my reading, or get to the grocery store. I really just need to chill out.

Progress

2006-04-08T20:23:00.000-07:00

I have finally got my laptop loaded up with my wireless card. It is a miracle. Now I just need to get a jump drive and MS Office and I will be light years ahead of where I was at the beginning of today. My group is starting our project and so there is a need for us to swap information regularly (i.e. spreadsheets, rough drafts, etc.). Since I am technologically challenged, I show up today with an old school floppy that contains my work. I was a little embarassed, but I did not think it would be a real big deal. Until I found out that none of the new laptops have a floppy drive. So one of my team mates offered me his jump drive so that I could transfer my stuff. I head out to the library to use one of the computers there, only to find out none of those computers have a floppy drive either. Floppy discs are so 1992. Lucky for me the PCs in the lab still have the old technology. Whew!

I am a little worried that if I do not catch up soon, I am going to be in the same category as my folks. I barely know how to download pictures from my digital camera. I barely know how to text message. I got an MP3 player for my birthday that is still in the box and frankly, I have never even downloaded an MP3. I do not know how to operate my CD-RW. I never figured out how to program the VCR and wouldn't have a clue what to do with a DVR. My RAZR is more of an accessory than a tool. I never had a palm and I do not have a Blackberry. And I never did figure out how to program hyperlinks on my blog. I am such a disaster.

I need to figure it out soon or else I am going to find myself completely left behind. I am still living in the days of the "mixed tape". Not really, but it is the modern day equivalent for sure.

What does it mean?

2006-03-19T14:33:00.000-08:00

So last night D and I went out for a much needed night of mayhem. We started off Downtown at the Kell's tent for St Patrick's day. We spent $40 to get in, $15 for food, $20 on four beers and ended up leaving by 7:30 or so. St Patrick's was Friday night, so it kind of ended up being the "left over" or second string crowd. So we left for better scenery.

The true goal of the night though, was to get liquored up and end up at the infamous Amateur Night at the local strip club. No worries--I am not trying out a new career! I just felt like doing something naughty. All this work and school is really starting to get to me. I can only be so good for so long. So I brought it up to D a few weeks back. He wasn't quite convinced it was a good idea. Who the hell has to talk their husband into going to the strip club? I do. I left the subject alone, afraid he would get weird about me being so anxious over the whole thing. So finally, Friday he let on that it was a go.

After leaving Kell's we ended up at another bar where I polished off three vodka tonics before leaving to go to the club. Going to the strip club is kind of one of those things you cannot really call a friend up for and invite her along. I mean, really, I don't have too many friends who would be into that sort of thing. I mean I do have a couple of girlfriends that are sometimes apt to take a walk on the wild side with me, but as the years have gone by circumstances have changed so this sort of thing would be very out of the ordinary to ask. In fact, I did try to convince my best friend to go, but even she was not really sure. So I had resigned myself to going it alone with my hubby.

Before we get there my husband says to me, "Now don't let anyone try to talk you into getting up on stage." What the hell?!? Seriously, what would make him say such a thing? Sure enough, at the door, the first question to me is, "So are you going to be in the contest tonight?" To which I quickly reply, "Um, NO." My husband was really uncomfortable the moment we got in the door. In fact, he was ready to go when, across the room, he spots a familiar face.

"Hey, is that BEST FRIEND from high school?"

"Where?"

"Over there in the corner."

"It looks like BEST FRIEND."

"If it is, she sure has blown up."

"I swear it is her. I would recognize her face. Okay, if BEST FRIEND can be here right, now. I sooo can be here, too."

Just then, BEST FRIEND sees me, too. The recognition is there, so I move across the room towards her.

BEST FRIEND and I had a falling out many, many years ago over some stolen Billy Joel tickets that landed her in the security office of the Rose Garden. I had gotten the tickets from someone else for free and really had no interest in going. When BEST FRIEND found out I had the tickets, she offered to buy them. Well, at the time I really needed the money, so I sold them to her. When we found out the tickets were stolen, I was trying to protect my other friend, so I lied about where I got them. It turned into a big mess and ended an eight year friendship. However, unlike so many other people who were once a big part of my life, BEST FRIEND has never gone away. I run into her everywhere. And not just in St John's, but like Beaverton, Downtown, the mall, Nike campus, and now the strip club! What does it all mean? Now more than ever, I feel like some unforseen force in the universe has been trying to pull us back together the whole time. How could it be that afterall the time that has passed, we are still so much more alike then we are different?

"I knew that was you! D wasn't so sure, but I knew it! How the heck are you?"

"Well, I am about ready to give birth!"

"What?!? Oh my gosh! You are pregnant! When are you due?"

"Eight days from now."

"Where is your husband?"

"Oh, he is working security downtown at Kell's." Okay another strange coincidence.

"Really? We just came from there."

We started chatting more and just catching up. I pulled up a seat and the Amatuers took to the stage. Hillarious!

"Okay, seriously, why don't we talk anymore? We obviously keep meeting up like this for a reason."

"I know. I gave D my phone number and address. We just live right behind the high school on Smith Street. Give me a call. I mean it."

Sometimes life is interesting. I think I will give her a call. Just when I was looking for a friend, a friend appeared once again.

Being a woman sucks because...

2006-03-12T21:33:00.000-08:00

I need to vent. D and I got into an argument the other day that started me thinking about all the reasons it sometimes sucks to be a woman. Don't get me wrong. I am all about "girl power" and womens liberation. But sometimes I think it is just so much harder to be a female. I am not saying that I want to trade my vagina in for a penis or anything. And I realize that the challenge of being female is also what makes it better than being male, but somedays I get so sick of it.

Being a woman sucks because:

-You are prone to urinate track infections.
-You have to care about things like looks and weight even when you know it shouldn't matter.
-When you gain weight it goes straight to your ass and the first place it leaves when you lose weight is your tits.
-Girlfriends like to stab you in the back.
-Women may forgive but they never forget.
-Once you have a falling out, even when you make-up, it is never quite the same again.
-Eventually your girlfriends leave you for a boyfriend, a husband, and finally children. Men don't do this.
-Relationships are more complicated.
-You always have to be the peacemaker.
-It isn't ladylike to be irrational or yell.
-She will never tell you what she is really thinking.
-You don't get to disown your family.
-You have to remember all the important dates and phone numbers.
-You have to wax or shave everywhere.
-Drinking too much is not socially acceptable.
-Standards are too high.
-Going to a bar by yourself is taboo.

Even though I agree with many of these things, I am not feeling as passionate right now as I was the other night. Maybe I was just feeling sorry for myself. I remember being so much angrier a few days ago and being really over it! Today it is not so bad.

I still think being a female is a lot of work most days. I just hope I can live up to the challenge.

A little breathing room

2006-03-07T17:14:00.000-08:00

Wow! It has been since November of last year since my last post. Shortly after my last post I came down with the most disgusting virus ever. It left me covered in hives from head to toe. Even my eyes and lips swole up. At first I thought I had bed bugs because it looked like little bites all over my body. Plus I had just returned from NYC and there was this crazy expose on "Inside Edition" about bed bugs in a New York hotel. I thought for sure they had climbed into my luggage and lodged themselves into my bed at home. It was not until later that afternoon when the little bumps started to flatten out and begin to look more like hives that I guessed something else might be wrong. In any case I was sick for 7 days! Man I tell you, it really gets you thinking about how blessed you are to have your health. There is nothing more miserable than laying in bed sick.

With December my 31st birthday came and went and so did Christmas. There was a big windstorm the day of Christmas that knocked power out for thousands of people. So D got called in to work--mandatory. It was the first Christmas in all these years that we spent apart. My parents were in LA. Luckily, I had several friends to visit during the day and an invitation to dinner. But when I finally got home later that night, I was really feeling sorry for myself. I cried a little. It was a little scary being all alone. D ended up working a 24 hour shift. He got home the next day at around 6:30 AM.

School started in January and so did my temporary new assignment at work. My first class was "Mission and Vision". Immediately the first class, the professor laid it on thick. A book to read, several articles, and a research paper due ASAP. I admit I left class feeling super overwhelmed. I knew I was making a commitment, but it all of a sudden hit me pretty hard just how much of a commitment. After 7 weeks of serious overload and lots of hard work, the class came to an end. I have met a group of really cool people. My group is made up of 3 guys and me. One of them is a super over achiever, I mean he puts most over achievers I know to shame. The other guy has two twins, a boy and a girl, 17 months old. The third guy is a snowboarder whose wife is also in graduate school. They are a good group. At first I wasn't so sure, but as I have gotten to know them, I think I am going to enjoy working with them. We will be in the same group through the end of the program so that is a good thing.

Needless to say, I have had limited time for fun. Hubby and I did manage to get away for KIA's wedding in January. It was such an awesome weekend. I love my husband on vacation. He is like a whole other person. Not that I don't love him when we are at home, it is just that there are so many distractions like work and the house, so he is sometimes short and cranky. But while in AZ we got along so well. We hung out, drank beer, danced, ate good food, slept in. All those things that are impossible to do at home. Plus the weather was sunny, a little cool, but blue sky. Perfect weather for outdoor seating. Outdoor seating in PDX is limited to 3 months--July, August, and September. So outdoor seating in January is a super bonus!

I really feel myself growing in so many ways these last couple of months. Professionally, academically, and personally. Sometimes I feel like it is all happening so fast with so little time to reflect. At last I have a little breathing room to take a deep breath and---aaaahhh, let it all out!

I did it!

2005-11-14T20:39:00.000-08:00

I got into my graduate program. I just wrote out the check for my initial tuition deposit. Whew! What a big decision. I am very excited, but I also have my worries. Mostly financial, but I just have to trust that it will all work out in the end. A new beginning. A new start.

Next year is my 10 year college reunion. UGH! Then after that, I officially lose my status as "Young Alumni". My dorky little school segregates alumni--young from old. The Young Alumni have their own social events, including mixers at cool bars and an annual holiday event. Wonder what the "Old Ass Alumni" club will have to offer? Extra 10% off the senior menu at Elmer's? Or maybe $10 off my AARP membership? Fucking great!

In any case, I am having mixed feelings about attending the reunion next year. On the one hand, I see it as an opportunity to connect with people I have lost contact with. Then I think, maybe I am grasping at straws. I mean, if they really wanted to stay in contact with me after all these years, wouldn't we have remained so? Another part of me cringes at the thought of being sized up against my oh-so-succesful peers. "So Rocky, what are you up to these days?" Um, working in insurance as a, um, underwriter, living with my parents (yes, that's right they are back from Texas--loooong story), and um, hanging out with my pugs! What the hell?!? "How about you?" Oh, I know the answers. I have seen all their little tidbits announced in our alumni magazine. "So-and-so was recently awarded the Cooler Than You award for her big brain and better pedigree. Thanks to her rich ass parents who paid for her degree and allowed to her to take a non-paying internship for free, while they supported her ass, so she could make all the right connections." Or "So-and-so is now Junior Executive at Big Bucks Inc. Thanks to her families connections to the CEO who she has summered with since age two." No, I'm not bitter or anything.

It is just that I had a really hard time, socially, at college. And it always comes back to haunt me at functions like these. That is why I have mostly avoided them over the years. A good friend is organizing the even this year and is really hell bent on all of us going. So at age 31, I find myself sucumbing to peer pressure once again. Oh, yes, and don't think I haven't already thought about the weight issue. And yes, of course, what the hell am I going to wear?!? Good thing I have kept my Nordy's credit card all these years--specifically in the case of a fashion emergency such as this.

I have plenty of time. A lot can change between here and then. Maybe that will include my self-esteem. Not sure why I am feeling down on myself, but I am sure it will pass. In the meantime, I had better attend our health and wellness fair at work. Maybe I will sign up for that discount membership at 24 Hour Fitness afterall.

Counting my blessings

2005-10-06T20:44:00.000-07:00

Last night, we went to the local Walgreens to pickup a prescription. After 20 minutes in the magazine aisle, the pharmacy paged my name over the loud speaker. As I finished paying for my prescription, I remembered I need brown shoe polish. Working on a limited budget this fall, I decided to wear last year's brown shoes again this year and they are in need of some TLC. So after a few minutes of debating between actual polish or scuff remover, I decided on a tin and worked my way to the front of the store to the cash registers. There were two registers open, at which two separate customers were currently being helped. Hovering between the two lines, I observed the customer in the line to my right. Immediately, I notice dozens of silver coins laid out across the counter. The customer, a man, is counting them out while the cashier is waiting patiently. "Are you kidding me?!? So f*%!ing typical North Portland!" I say to myself, when just then, I get a closer look at the customer. I could hardly believe my eyes--it has been over 13 years, but I recognized him immediately.

13 years ago he would not have been caught dead paying for anything in quarters, let alone dimes and nickels. When I knew him, he was a total label whore, only Nordstrom brands. Back then we were such good friends. We went to all the parties together and even hosted a few of our own. We talked for hours on the phone. We spent many weekends hanging out and drinking Boones. Our senior year, we drifted apart, but he always held a special place in my heart because we had been such good friends at one point. After high school, he sort of slipped out of the scene. Few people know much about his whereabouts and I had heard he had fallen on hard times. There were rumors that he became involved in drugs and stopped talking to anyone. Seeing him there, counting out handfuls of change, I felt sorry for him. I turned to D and said,

"Oh my God! That's B. I.! I haven't seen him since high school!"
"Say something to him."
"Like what? I don't know what to say."
"He was a friend of yours wasn't he? Say 'hi', I mean shit, you used to hang out with him right?"
"I can't!"

And just then, the other register opened up. So I ran, leaving B. behind to continue counting up his change. We were done before him, and like a coward, I snaked out the door to the car without saying a word. I watched the doors, trying to catch one last glimpse. Back out on Lombard, I finally spotted him again, on foot crossing the street to Greeley. As we drove past, another car honked which caused B. to look up, at which point our eyes briefly met. It was dusk out, so I don't know that he could see me clearly. At least there was no look of recognition in his eyes. Besides, who is to say that he didn't recognize me in the store and was playing the same game of avoidance?

It really got me thinking about just how fortunate we really are. We take so many things for granted. I discount my car because it is a Honda Civic. I discount my house because it's old and it's in North Portland. I discount my job because I am not CEO. I am always wishing for more not realizing or even appreciating the many wonderful things that I am fortunate enough to have.

It also got me thinking a lot about why I didn't say anything. Did I think that he would be embarassed? Or is the truth really that I was embarassed for him? And then, I ask, who the hell do I think I am passing judgement on him? Why did I just assume he should be embarassed? Or maybe a part of me was afraid of his reaction? I don't know, but I am almost wishing I would have said something. The truth is I am terrible at these things.

A few weeks ago, D and I were at dinner when I recognized an old schoolmate. He was waiting on the tables in the section adjacent to where we were seated. I couldn't be sure, so I pointed him out to D. At which time, D walks over to the bathrooms and I see him stop to say something to this guy.
"Hey are you related to so-and-so?"
"Yes."
"I thought so because you look just like her."
"That's funny, people usually ask if I am related to so-and-so (his other sister)."
"Yeah, I am here with my wife R B and she thought she recognized you."

End of conversation. So now D comes back from the bathroom to relay the conversation and says,
"You should go say 'hi'."

At this point, I am irritated.

"Why did you even have to say anything? Now if I don't go over and say something, I am going to look like a stuck up snob! Argh!"

Again, what is the big deal, right? Why didn't I just say 'hi'? At least in this case, I was not particularly close to this guy. But still, someone with good breeding probably would have had the decency to at least acknowledge the guy, right? So what's my problem? I think I need to work on this one a little.

2 disc set?

2005-10-05T20:47:00.000-07:00

My latest obsession is this new radio station called Charlie FM. Their motto is "We play everything", and they really mean it. They play everything from Neal Diamond to the Beastie Boys. I love it! One minute I am singing along to Prince and the next I might be shakin' my groove thing to KC and the Sunshine band. I get so nostalgic listening along. It is amazing how something as simple as a song can bring back so many memories. To quote Dick Clark of AM Bandstand fame, "Music is the soundtrack of our lives." So I got to thinking the other night, what might the soundtrack of my life look like?

Track 1 - Elvis Presley "Fools Rush In" As far back as I can remember, I loved Elvis Presley. I always thought he was so handsome. I remember watching all of his movies as a little girl. My favorites include Blue Hawaii and Kissing Cousins. He was my first Hollywood crush.

Track 2 - Madonna "Get Into the Groove" I was a child of the 80's. Need I say more?

Track 3 - Duran Duran "Please, Please Tell me Now" I can still see Simon LeBon in the video--blue shirt, blue tie, standing on a gray box of some sort in a strangely lit studio. It was love at first sight! MTV was new and I watched day and night hoping to catch another glimpse.

Track 4 - Van Morrison "Brown Eyed Girl" A song about a girl with brown eyes? A man after my own heart!

Track 5 - Bob Marley "Three Little Birds" I love the positive message of this one, "Don’t worry about a thing,’cause every little thing gonna be all right" Plus, who doesn't love Bob Marley?!?

Track 6 - Prince "Kiss" Timeless! Still sexy after all of these years and can definitely get me shaking my butt no matter where I am.

Track 7 - Beastie Boys "So Watcha Want" Reminds me of my boating days and all the good times under the sun with my Coors Light and bikini!

Track 8 - Dr Dre "Nuthin but a 'G' Thang" What can I say? I grew up in NoPo and although you can take the girl out the ghetto, you can never take the ghetto out of the girl. A little something from the old school. Plus it was our party girl theme song in college!

Track 9 - Depeche Mode "People are People" An all time club favorite. Another timeless beat that sounds just as good in 2005 as it did 20 years ago!

Track 10 - Phil Collins "Groovy Kind of Love" I love the simplicity of this one. It is a love song without being too overdone.

Track 11 - Boys to Men "Its So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday" Absolutely tear jerker for me. A song I can dedicate to everyone I have lost.

Track 12 - Bill Withers "Lean on Me" I think this song brilliantly captures the meaning of friendship in such simple verse.

Track 13 - The Beatles "When Im 64" Silly, romantic, and sweet!

Track 14 - Queen "Bohemian Raphsody" Love the song, loved Wayne's World!

Track 15 - Jimmy Buffet "Margaritaville" One of my favorite driniking/campfire songs, "Searchin' for my lost shaker of salt--Salt! Salt! Where's the f*$%ing salt?!?"

Track 16 - Garth Brooks "Friends in Low Places" Well, what more can I say?

Track 17 - Cool and the Gang "Celebration" An all time wedding favorite. And I love weddings!

Track 18 - Sir Mix-A-Lot "Posse on Broadway" This is one of those songs that is real nostalgic for me. It reminds me of my crazy high school party days.

Track 19 - Michael Jackson "P.Y.T" Before he was Whacko Jacko, he was the shit!

I think that is enough for one disc, but there are so many more titles. Probably 2 discs wouldn't be enough. I have barely made it past the 90's and there are so many more. Music is amazing. Nothing else can make me smile and cry at the same time, nothing else can move me to let down my inhibitions and groove, and nothing else can capture a memory so eloquently like a song!

Class of 2006

2005-09-06T21:04:00.000-07:00

We just returned from vacation and I am feeling anxious to finish out the rest of this year. Left over from my school days, Labor Day weekend harkens of new beginnings and nervous anticipation. As a student, it meant catching up with old friends and the possibility of meeting new ones. It also meant a new year of intellectual discovery and personal growth. And of course, the ever-so-missed, new fall wardrobe that magically appeared at no cost to myself!

This new "school year", if I may so borrow the term, begins with many unknowns. Will I get the job I am applying for? I interview Friday. If I don't get the job, what will be my next move? The plan, for at least 3 months, is to serve my term of duty in the QA "box" away from my team, away from my desk. The "box", as it is affectionately called, is a room with no windows that smells like burgers and fries from the Carl's Jr that vents its stench nearby. Not fun! If I do get the job, it will mean big changes for me.

Will I get accepted into the graduate program I am applying for? Interviews for the January term don't begin until after October 19th. If I am not accepted this time, I know I can always apply again. But if I am accepted, things could get hectic quickly.

Will it all work out in the end?!? Eventually, I will know all of the answers to these questions and more. But until then, all I can do is wait it out. Which is part of the fun, right? Should be interesting to see what I ultimately transcribe in the annals for this "school year"! Will it be a year to remember or one to forget? Only time will tell. It is anyone's guess!

Welcome to 2005!

2005-08-28T20:36:00.000-07:00

Yeah! I finally have a high speed connection from home. And the best part is that it is free. I am so excited. One of our neighbors was kind enough to give us his old CPU with a wireless connection. I feel so spoiled!

I had a very nice weekend. Spent Friday out with one of my best gal pals that I have not been out with in months and months. We started out watching drag queens and ended the night dancing away at a club Downtown. It felt so nice to be out. I ended up drinking more than I planned, so had a bit of a hang over Saturday. Then Saturday night we had a few friends over for dinner. I had a total of 3 toddlers and 2 newborns at the house. Needless to say, it was a little hectic, but we managed alright. We had 7 layer dip, sangria, and sour cream chicken enchiladas for dinner. The conversation was swell and it was nice to not have to drive anywhere. Today we just chilled. We had more visitors from Las Vegas, husband's cousins with their new baby.

Now I am just chillin' in front of the television watching the VMA's. Earlier we were watching the news to monitor the hurricane hitting New Orleans. What a sad, sad thought. I love New Orleans! And it makes me sad to think about all those historical buildings being devastated by the hurricane. I hope the devastation is not as bad as they are predicting. The media has a way of hyping everything up. For instance, a friend was telling me how Miami and VMAs were flooded, etc, just yesterday and when I turned on the tube tonight, it looks just fine to me. Go figure!

I really needed a good weekend. Then it is off to vacation on Thursday. Super! So looking forward to a getaway!

What's in my head...

2005-08-25T21:30:00.000-07:00

I am feeling the need to download my brain before I go to bed tonight. I have been feeling sorry for myself again and I am hoping that this little exercise will help me relax a little.

- I am starving for some great conversation. The kind of conversation that you share with a good girlfriend or the kind I used to have with my peers back at WU.

- I am finding I have very little patience for weak women. Stand up for yourself damn it! Why do you find it necessary to always be so damn accomodating?!? I realize that some men find submissive women attractive, but come on!

- I hate that things change. I am really missing the way things used to be. When did all of our lives get so complicated? And why am I feeling left behind?

- I wish I did not worry so much about money. If I am not thinking about how much I have or do not have, I am thinking about ways to make more. Then I am always thinking about what I want to spend it on. And then I feel guilty because I am not saving more. Finally I wonder if that will ever change.

- I hate my cats. I wish I could get rid of them, but I don't have the heart. So in the meantime, I live with their filth and bitch about it constantly!

- I wish I was going to the VMA's in Miami this weekend with the girl I know who won the trip off the radio. How much fun would that be?

- I cannot wait for vacation next week! I think I need to escape from reality for a little while. Hopefully I return feeling recharged and ready for fall.

- I don't want summer to end, but I am looking forward to fall clothes.

Time for bed now!

Offline

2005-08-21T21:55:00.000-07:00

Wow! It has been over a month since my last post. I think my compulsive nature is getting the best of me. This is not the first time, nor will it be the last, that I become consumed with something, whether it is a project, an activity, food, beverage, etc. and eventually end up burning myself out.

Last month, I decided to pick up 7 Habits again. I had started reading it a few years back and decided I wasn't quite ready to "commit". This time, I made it as far as chapter 2 - Be Proactive, when I decided to try to put theory into action. I made the decision to try and focus on three things--diet, marriage, and professional development.

Diet. My goal was to eat better, drink more water, and begin exercising. I started by identifying a list of "healthy" snacks and foods. I also brought a water bottle to work in addition to the cup I keep at my desk. Finally, I made the decision to limit my alcohol consumption to four servings per week (I had discovered that on average I was drinking one serving per day or 30 drinks per month!). The first week I was doing great. I was drinking my 64 ounces of water each day. I was eating three healthy meals and two healthy snacks. I stopped craving the bad stuff and I think I even managed to drop a few extra pounds.

Marriage. I am trying to be more patient and kind. I am trying to be more supportive and less controlling. I am trying to be more appreciative. Those who know me, know I have a long ways to go here. But at least I recognize it and I think that is a good first step, or a step in the right direction in any case!

Professional growth. All of a sudden a couple of weeks ago a light finally went on. I had been asked to participate in a project at work and got these lofty ideas about getting back on the path of "corporate climber". When I first started my career years ago, I was really motivated by this idea. I wanted to be the next CEO, not really, but I definitely wanted to make a contribution. But after getting laid off and getting kicked around by corporate America a few times, I lost my motivation. I became self absorbed and more interested in the simple life. Spending time with family and friends became my focus. Then this year, things changed. My family moved away. My husband got a new job working lots of extra hours. And all my friends started families of their own. For a while I felt like I was drifting, like someone took away my road map. Until recently. A supervisory position opened up and I decided to apply for it. At the same time, I made the decision that I am finally ready to go back to grad school, and this time for all the right reasons. In the past I would have been motivated by prestige or felt pressured by my mother. Now, I am going back for me and only me. It would be nice if it helps to advance my career, but I am not doing it for that reason. I am doing it because I want to continue my personal growth and really have an interest in learning more about the technical aspects of the business world. Something I did not get to study while learning about politics and the spotted owl back at WU. So, I applied for the job. And I started the graduate school application process.

Last week, I began to lose my momentum. I haven't even been blogging for fear that I might jinx myself. Blogging or no--I haven't been drinking water. And instead, spent the week drinking Starbuck's, Diet Coke, lemonade, beer, and cocktails. I also ate tator tots, a cheeseburger, pizza, mashed potatoes, pot roast, and chips. I found out that I did not get the job. And D and I are arguing this week because as he says, I think the whole world revolves around me! Doesn't it?!? What the hell ever! I am having a pity party and I feel like being a bitch!

So I need to spend the next week picking myself up and moving on. I think chapter 1 of the 7 Habits says "Don't be a victim." A victim I shall not be!

Double Agent

2005-07-18T15:05:00.000-07:00

I find myself in a bad position. I am stuck between two friends -- K and L. The two are part of my circle at work and lately they have not been seeing eye-to-eye. So suddenly, I am stuck in the middle.

Admittedly they are two very different people and from my perspective I would not want it any other way. I enjoy the contrast they provide in my life. K is ditsy. She is fun loving and always has to be the center of attention. She loves fashion more than she does books and values appearances above everything. She is street smart and has a very kind heart. I hang out with her outside of work, too. She likes going to clubs and loves dancing. She also shares my sense of style. L is my Charlotte. She wears Ann Taylor, even on the weekends. She enjoys reading and shares my passion for education. She is married to a nerdy accountant who likes to wear Dockers with non-matching shoes and belt. She lives in the suburbs. She is very tender hearted and worries too much about other people's opinions. She is the one I go to when I need honest, intelligent advice about serious life issues. K is the one I go to when I need advice about which shoes go with which purse. I need them both.

But lately, I feel like I am betraying my friendship with them. K will come to me and complain about something L said. And in some cases I agree. Sometimes she is too judgemental and looks down on people who don't have a college degree. She does come across as being kind of uppity and is pretty conservative in dress and appearance. Then L will come and complain about K. And again I agree. She does have a tendency to grossly exaggerate everything, mostly for the dramatic effect. She is sometimes careless with money and often flaunts its. She tells tall tales that don't always add up. She is not career driven or interested in academic pursuits. She discounts people who are.

So I agree and nod, the whole time feeling like I am doing something wrong. Although in some cases their assesment of each other is right on, sometimes it is completely off. And I share that, too. I try to provide insightful feedback. I try to point out fundamental differences in values and experiences that make each one who they are. I try to promote just loving someone for who they are. But sometimes I fall into the trap of editorializing while I am providing advice or mitigating conflict. I suspect it is human nature. And well, honestly, some of it is true. But I guess the difference is I don't have opinions about it either way. I don't care that K can sometimes be shallow--I don't need her to be deep. I have other people for that. And same with L, I could care less if she is not a fashionista. That's not why I value her. So I guess it is okay sometimes to be a double agent--sometimes I just don't think it can be avoided.

A sign?

2005-07-16T12:51:00.000-07:00

A really strange thing happened to me earlier this week. I came into the office and was greeted by my good pal K. I met K when I first started at Standard over three years ago. We became fast friends as we shared many of the same interests and even some of the same acquintances. K's sister also works at Standard and it just so happens that she is also my boss. It could be awkard except for K and her sister are really not that close. Over the years, we have managed to strike a balance between things we can share and things we should not share.

However, even with that in mind, sometimes I feel myself caught in the middle. On this particular day, that is were I found myself. We meet for breakfast every morning at my desk which is located right next to K's sister.

"Sissy and I are fighting. So I will just meet you in the lobby."

"What now?"

"Oh, she really pissed me off this time."

"I have to hear this. Let's go back to your desk."

A little background about my boss. She is a recent born-again Christian which is great, but lately I am sensing that she is getting dangerously fanatic. She belongs to an interesting church where you don't need formal theology training to be a pastor and people "lay hands" on the sick to heal. She doesn't consider herself lucky, but rather "blessed" when any good thing happens to her. And most recently she gave me a copy of "The Purpose Driven Life" to read and has come to the conclusion that as a result of reading "The Da Vinci Code" I have gone to the "dark side". Enough said?

K is going through a tough time because her 2 year old daughter has a stomach problem that they have been unable to properly diagnose and treat. It has been going on since she was an infant. Desperate to comfort her daughter, she has finally decided to seek advice from the specialists at the children's hospital. Her first appointment was Tuesday last week.

Apparently, her sister had stopped by her desk to find out how things went. After listening patiently for a few moments, she decided to provide her own input. Apparently, as a child, she also suffered from a painful stomach ailment. In fact, it continued to inflict her through adulthood. But after having the hands laid on her, the pain has mysteriously disappeared.

"You need to bring your daughter to our church and have the elders lay hands on her and pray. That is the only way she is going to ever get better."

K's sensibilities felt assaulted. The two were raised in the same God fearing household, but with her sister's recent commitment to this new church, there has been a fundamental parting of opinions. K had recently shared with me that her entire family suspects her sister has been inducted into some kind of religious cult. K considers herself to be a practicing Christian and believes very strongly in the power of prayer. However, she is also a logical person and recognizes the practicality of Western medicine. Needless to say, the two siblings had a falling out for everyone to see. I am sure the scene was equally devastating to my manger, who is much into appearances.

"Wow! Sorry I missed it! But seriously, that is just weird!"

"I know--want to get breakfast?"

There is a small deli down the street that has great smoothies. That is where we go most mornings. It is mostly Standard people, since we get a 50% discount on all beverages there. So most of the faces are familiar. That morning, as we waited for our drinks, an unfamiliar face was seated next to us. K decided on a sour apple "Jet Tea". The drink is bright green like Midori and it excited some interest from the stranger sitting next to us.

"What is that?" the voice slightly slurred, almost too slow.

"It's a Jet Tea."

"Looks good."

At this we can see the mental capacity of this stranger is slightly diminished. While waiting for my smoothie, we begin loosely discussing the details of K's daughter's appointment. After a while, we are interupted by the stranger. This time with more clarity than the first.

"What's wrong with your daughter?"

"She's sick."

"Do you believe in the power of the Lord?"

"Yes."

"Good. You know he can help you right?"

"Yes. I pray for her all the time."

"Do you pray with a congregation?"

"No, I pray for her and my mom prays for her."

"You need to pray with a congregation. Have them lay hands on her. God loves you. He loves your daughter, too."

What the heck? It was almost like someone planted her there. She had no way to know about the conversation we had just had. And what was more surreal, was the clarity with which she spoke to us. Just minutes before her speech was slurred, slow. Just then my drink arrived.

"Thank you."

"Uh, yeah. Thank you."

"God bless you."

I am not a religious person myself, but I will admit, that experience was truly weird. I could tell that K was shaken. The blood had drained from her face and her arms were flush. We spoke about it only briefly because neither one of us really knew how to react. Even I felt the hair on my arms standing on edge. I don't know quite what to make of it, but I can say that I have never experienced anything quite like that before. Was it a sign?

"Mercy" I cry!

2005-07-14T18:58:00.000-07:00

I would have to say that this past Sunday morning was one of the worst mornings of my life. D left Thursday for a camping trip with the guys and was not due back until Sunday afternoon. I had spent most of Thursday night cleaning the spare room in anticipation of a friend staying the night Friday. Friday night was spent drinking wine and watching season 1 of "Sex and the City". Saturday morning, we woke and spent the day in Seattle. Arriving back home after 9:00 that night, my girlfriend and I polished off a couple of warm slices of banana cream cheesecake from the famed Cheesecake Factory and parted ways. There I was home alone--but you see, even when I am home alone, I am never really home alone.

In addition to my husband, I share my home with four others. Koji, Stussy, Bella, and Ginger--two cats, two dogs. Yes, that's right, four animals. And yes, I often think I am out of my mind. Four very distinct personalities and four small, but very lively, life forms. Fighting sleep I stayed up until just past midnight to hang out with the dogs. Finally, I relegated them to their kennel and readied myself for bed. On my way upstairs, I shut the door to the spare room to keep the cats off the recently laundered sheets and grabbed the phone just in case I needed to call 9-1-1 in the middle of the night.

At 5:30 AM the next day Ginger began barking signaling that she was ready to start the day. This is not unexpected. Not able to read or tell time, she wakes up every day of the week at the same time. I try to ignore here hoping that by some miracle, she will fall back asleep. But no such luck. I roll out of bed carefully and make my way downstairs.

Ginger is my "morning dog". Similiar to my husband, she greets the morning everyday with the energy of a tornado. As I make my way down the basement stairs, I see her waiting patiently at the front of the pen with what appears to be a smile on her face. Her tail is wagging and she looks glad to see me. Bella on the other hand, is much like myself, sharing the belief that mornings always come too soon. Unlike her sister, she remains half asleep on the bed and barely manages to open one eye to peer up at me as I make it to the bottom of the stairs. I pick up Ginger who is poised for the day. Bella is another story. I have to climb into the pen to pick her up and as I do so, she stirs and begins her routine of running from me. With no where to go, I soon have her in my arms and they both follow me up the stairs.

I open the backdoor to take them out and Ginger is quick to oblige. Again, I am forced to contend with Bella. "Bella come," I demand. No response. "Bella, come," I repeat. I am quickly losing my patience. I enter back into the house at which point, Ginger follows. Now Bella is running from me. She dashes behind the couch. "Damnit dog!" I holler. Now I have done it. The cardinal sin of dog training. Motivated by fear, there was no way she was going to let herself be caught. Just then, the phone begins ringing. It is barely 6:00 AM. The phone is upstairs, I had taken with me in case I needed to call 9-1-1.

The nearest phone is in the spare room, so I go running, both Ginger and Bella in tow. As I open the door to the spare room, I am immediately greeted with the foul smell of shit. What the hell?!? "Hello!" I answer out of breath. It's D. I turn my head to spy the biggest pile of crap right on top of the newly washed comforter. "Damn it! One of the cat's shit on the bed! I must have locked Koji in by accident." I am still frantically trying to get the dogs out to the backyard. "I can't talk right now!" I scream and hang up. Bella is darting round and round, countering my every move with a dash. Now I am really screaming. At last I corner her in the spare room. She is under the bed and I manage to grab a leg and pull her out. At long last, I manage to get the dogs outside, so that I may begin the dirty work of cleaning up the shit in the house.

I grab a plastic bag to pick up the shit, tie it off, dispose of the evidence. I return to the room and remove the comforter with the intention of laundering it yet again. As I peel back the comforter, I noticed that the sheets are completely kicked off the mattress. What the hell? I grab one end of the sheets when I notice a huge wet spot on the bed. My worst nightmare had just been realized. One of the cats had pissed on the mattress. Now anyone who has ever owned cats knows that the smell is practically impossible to get out. "Fuck!" I ran downstairs to grab the Nature's Miracle and my Bissell and set to work on cleaning the stain. It was going to be a long morning.

After a few applications and several passes with the Bissell, I brought the dogs in and decided I needed to lay back down. By this time my stomach was burning from the stress. I took two Peptos and grabbed my cell phone. I would try D again. No answer. So instead I called my mother to tell her about the morning I was having. I found no sympathy there. Instead she was laughing her ass off. After getting off the phone, I decided to stay in that room for a while, away from the animals. Except for a few noises, the dogs were pretty quite. If there was one thing I knew about dogs, they were a lot children. If they are too quite, you can be sure they are up to no good.

Getting up from the couch, I made my way into the kitchen. Nothing. Shortly, Ginger comes up the basement stairs with a box of Lever 2000 in her mouth. "Give me that!" I say and put the box on the counter. Just then, I spy a second box. This one torn to shreds in the middle of the living room floor. A few feet away is the bar of soap riddled with teeth marks. That could not have tasted good. Then I see what used to be my eyeglasses mixed in with the pieces of cardboard on the floor. They had managed to pop out the left lense and crush the frame. The right arm had been bent forward and the pad behind the ear chewed off. It looked as if it had been sent through the garbage disposal.

I have never felt so defeated. And by four animals, that when added together, weigh no more than 30 lbs! Silently I picked both dogs up and walked them down to the basement. I returned to collect all the evidence. It would have to be saved and shown to their father when he got home.

As soon as D came through the door, I marched him into the spare room where I had stored all the evidence of the morning. One by one I presented my case. And you know what he did? He laughed his ass off, too!

Evolotion of Species

2005-06-20T08:42:00.000-07:00

Recently my brother explained child rearing in my family as an evolutionary process.

"It started with Grandma and Grandpa in the Philippines. Their main goal was to provide food and shelter. The basic necessities is all they could offer. And because of the harsh conditions, they couldn't be bothered with anything else. Then with our parents, food and shelter was not really an issue. So they turned their attentions to trying to provide material things beyond just the basic necessities, like clothes and stuff like that. Now with our generation, we are taking the next step. Like with Lily--I try to spend time playing with her and reading to her. Mom and Dad didn't read to us growing up."

I had never really thought about it like that before. So what does that say about where I am in this evolutionary process? From farmer, to factory worker, to office worker? And then every once in a while, somebody makes an evolutionary "leap" of sorts? Like the first fish that hopped out of the ocean and sprouted legs?!? Does being the first person in my family to go to college count for a "leap"?

So then what if your dad is CFO? Where to go from there? I spent sometime on Saturday with a group of friends from school. All of their moms are teachers who did read to them when they were young. Among their dads there is a CFO, a federal judge, a pilot, a successful business owner, and a college vice president. My friends? A foundation director, a waitress, a consultant, a radiology tech, a web designer, and an interior design student. Their life experiences include an advanced degree, life overseas, trips around the world (Africa, Asia, Fiji, Australia, Europe), a high rise condo in Seattle, a home on 2 acres in a gated community, a couple of high end European cars, and a few nice pieces of jewelry. I wonder, does it help to have a little bit of a "head start" of sorts? It has been debated by many, especially in the context of SAT scores. But seriously, I often wonder where I would be if my mom had read to me every night, or if I had no student loans, or if I had spent summers backpacking through Europe on mom and dad's dime, or....The list goes on.

Or how about those who are born into wealth? What opportunities are provided by such privelege and leisure? The best schools, the best clothes, access to exclusive getaways. Would my life be any better? Any more fulfilled? What of the evolutionary process there? I could go on, but for fear of spending any more time on the topic, and also of getting way too deep, I will end it here. Very thought provoking indeed.

All Wet

2005-06-15T15:18:00.000-07:00

Ugh! I just got back from shopping for yet another shower. This time it is a baby shower, but I have already had two others plus a wedding shower in a matter of two weeks. All these babies cropping up around me are getting expensive. I don't mind so much the wedding shower because at one time I had a shower, too. But the baby showers, well, I just don't know if I will ever be able to recoup the costs. Is that terrible for me to think that way?!? It's just that, unlike the wedding shower, I just don't know if I will ever have a baby shower of my own.

I don't know why I am keeping score over such a thing, but it seems like I am always the one making the effort. One of the showers I went to was for a 2nd baby, and I don't know the etiquette on such things, but I thought it was a little tacky to have a shower for a 2nd baby. Especially, like in this case, the children are close in age and of the same gender. I could see if the proud new parents were less fortunate, but they drive the Land Rover, not me! The other two baby showers are college friends. Neither one of them attended my wedding shower. Not that it should matter, but for some reason it is bothering me a little.

Maybe I am bitter because I sometimes feel like I have been getting the short end of the stick all my life. You see, my birthday is 10 days before Christmas. So as far as I can remember, I have always received the two-for-one--Merry Birthday/Happy Christmas present. So, not only do I get half as many birthday presents as almost everyone I know, but now this, too. If I decide to never have children, I will miss out on even more presents. Yet, I will still be assigned separate gifts for birthdays, graduations, weddings, and babies for everyone else. I know, I know--gifts should be given from the heart. And don't get me wrong, I do these things because I want to (mostly). I probably would not have even noticed if they had not all been clumped together. Or if I had not just got my toes done yesterday. How I would love to afford that more often, when it hit me that I have spent about $150 in two weeks buying other people's kids stuff. Gees! That's five pedicures.

I love Paris!

2005-06-09T10:04:00.000-07:00

The city, yes, but also the girl! I am not gay for her or anything weird like that. I just wish that I could be her. She was featured on "The Fabulous Life Of..." a few weeks ago and I could not help thinking, "Damn! I wish I had her life!" Top 10 reasons I love Paris Hilton:

10. She does what she wants without a care about what anyone thinks.
9. She is invited to all the best parties.
8. For her 21st birthday, she had 5 birthday parties in five different cities.
7. She has a great body and knows how to work it on and off the red carpet.
6. She has a place to stay in all the greatest cities of the world.
5. She travels all the time
4. She never has to wear the same outfit twice.
3. She never has to look at price tags.
2. She will never have to get a real job and gets to pick and choose her projects.
1. She is the modern definition of girl power!

I understand there is a new reality show called, "Who wants to be a Hilton?" Pick me! Pick me! Just kidding. Since I can't be a Hilton, I guess I will just continue to live vicariously! Maybe I could write her a stalker letter and ask her if I can be part of her entourage?

A sigh of relief

2005-06-04T09:24:00.000-07:00

I feel myself slowly turning a corner lately. 30 has really sucked. But halfway to my 31st birthday, I am beginning to notice a change in the tide. I have some really great things to look forward to in the next 6 months. And I am also making a decision to take the initiative to plan for the future. I have found some things that are really interesting me right now. And I have some how found some motivation to take charge again. Yeah! Let's just hope it isn't temporary. Things I want to do in the next six months include:

- Travel

- Read and learn as much as I can

- Learn a new language

- Become a wine conniseur

- Get reconnected with nature

- Learn more about art

- Buy more books and less clothes

I have been a little self-absorbed lately, but I think that is what I need to do right now. Things are starting to look up and I am hoping 31 is the best year yet!

"Don't be a stranger"

2005-06-01T20:33:00.000-07:00

I hate it when people say this, especially when you know they don't really fucking mean it. Because if they really cared, then why the distance? I have been struggling with this as of late because I have heard the phrase at least twice in the last few weeks.

I know this girl, let's call her Glam Girl for anonymity. I met her and her husband about six years ago now. Let's call her husband G$. She has a upper level position with a high end retail store making a fairly good salary. She drives an expensive European luxury car. They carry a $400,000 note on their mortgage. They are the kind of couple that cares about labels--Pottery Barn, Jimmy Choo, Coach, 7, etc. There was a time when I considered us close friends. But something has changed in the last few months. I started to piece things together after her 30th birthday party. Glam Girl had a small affair at her house. I volunteered to arrive early and help setup. No big deal, I would do it for any good friend. I helped take coats and pour drinks for other guests as they arrived. I notice that my husband is acting self-conscious. Weird. Soon we are both sitting by ourselves at the kitchen table, awkward and silent. Later I make it down to the basement where G$ is enjoying a cigar outside. Apparently he is put out by my husband's attitude and is just about to make some asshole comment, when in comes D. What the fuck?!? What kind of friend acts like that? He is the host, shouldn't he be the one trying to make his guests comfortable? Instead he is downstairs talking shit? I was so mad! To avoid a scene, I let it slide and we end up leaving the party early.

The following month is my 30th. There is a slight dilemma with the guest list. G$ does not get along with a couple of our longtime friends. To avoid any drama, we choose G$ and Glam Girl. The invitations are sent. No reply. Finally, D makes a call to find out if they are coming. G$ is out with a serious back injury. They will try to make it, but no promises. No big deal. Why didn't they just call to say that? Afterall, we are friends, right? The day of the party, they are a no show. To add insult to injury, we don't even get a courtesy call letting us know not to expect them. Who is going to take my guests' coats and serve up drinks for my party, right?!? But seriously, I was kind of hurt. Especially, since it was kind of an important night for me.

After that night I resolved that I was going to stop putting so much effort into it. It just feels so one-sided. Then in a moment of weakness, I agree to help plan and host Glam Girl's baby shower. Two days on my feet making fancy tea sandwiches, four kinds. All the careful consideration for the menu to get it just right. Maybe I had some hope that she would finally see what a great friend she has in me and things would go back to the way it used to be. I must have been dilusional. I left that night feeling very unappreciated and irritated. I still have not received a thank you card for my gift and it was three months ago. So when they had their baby a few weeks ago, we did not even bother to go up to the hospital. Finally, after a week or two I drove with another friend out to Glam Girl's house to see the baby. After a long visit, that was actually pretty cordial, we get up to leave and there it is, "Don't be such a stranger!" What the hell? Last I checked the phone and the road goes both ways. I wanted so badly to tell her right there why I am a stranger, but I did not have the courage. Instead, I shrugged and made up some bullshit lie. I am not proud of myself.

It has just always been easier for me to run from these kinds of situations. Problem is, running does not give me any peace. I think they need to know why we don't come around anymore. I think they should know how selfish and self-centered they have been. I want to tell me them, they are poor friends. And maybe I would, if I thought it was worth fighting for. But I don't. So for now, I am content to be fake and hope the next meeting is far off.

Lemonada!

2005-05-31T14:51:00.000-07:00

At age 30 I have just discovered this wonderful drink! It is so refreshing and tasty. Forget Ginger Ale, my new favorite summer drink is lemonada! I plan to drink it all summer long. Problem is a six pack costs almost $6.00 and the only place I have found that carries it is Cost Plus. This could be problematic. I love it because it is sparkly and tart, not syrup sweet like Minute Made and not flat like Crystal Light. Plus it is European--Italian to be precise, and it comes in these cute little bottles which make me feel chic and trendy. If you don't believe me, I was at Old Navy yesterday and what did I find but a Lemonada T-shirt! Who knew?!? Unfortunately they did not have my size and the closest store is somewhere way north, but I could hardly believe my eyes. Especially since I just discovered this wonderful little treasure.

But maybe why I like it so much is that it reminds me that there are so many more of these wonderful treasures left to be discovered in life! So many places to go and see. Things to try and do! It is inspirational to me in a time when my life is a little unsure. "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade," right? For me, it is lemonada! Whenever I think about it, it brings a goofy smile to my face.

Dazed and Confused

2005-05-23T15:27:00.000-07:00

I am ready to go home and throw the covers over my head. It has just been one emotionally exhausting day after another. I feel raw with emotion and I am finding it very difficult to be here at work right now. I just want to go home, pull the covers over my head and cry. I would lock myself in the bathroom here if I could, but there is no privacy and I am due to go home in 15 minutes. So there would be no point. My first thought is "I need a drink!" I know that is not going to help me. What I need is a head shrink! Maybe it is time for me to really do it this time. I have tried twice before and failed, but I just don't know how much more of this I can take. It hurts! It really hurts and I can't hold it inside anymore. I don't want to hold it inside anymore. Being around my family this weekend brought so many feelings to the surface. It affected me in unexpected ways. There are so many thoughts and feelings racing through my mind.

What will people say when it is my turn to go? Will I look back and be able to say I have no unfinished business? What lessons will others learn from me? How not to be a coward? How not to let life pass you by? What purpose does family really serve anyway? Some say that love makes a family--no matter color, creed, or blood relation. Others say, blood is thicker than water. Which is it? You can choose your friends but you cannot choose your family. Now I know why so many people decide to move far away and disown their relatives. It is just too much. The guilt. The obligation. The unspoken rules. The balancing act. I don't want to care anymore. It is so damn exhausting.

Are large families any different then small? I don't believe so. My husband's family is small and they have a lot of drama. The issues are different, but the drama is still the same. But with him, he does not care. It does not bother him. He does not have the same sense of obligation. Where does that come from? Why do I care so much? Besides my immediate family, it is not like any of them have helped me with anything

My parents are moving to Texas this weekend. Maybe after my mother is gone I will have more clarity. Whenever she is around I feel so helpless. Like I am 12 years old all over again. Afraid to disappoint. Always trying to please. I think the distance will do me some good. I just need to be in my own personal space for a while. But for now, I just need to pull it together enough to get myself home on the MAX.

Apathy - Part II

2005-05-06T14:24:00.000-07:00

Ridiculous things always happen on the MAX. I have come to expect it and realize it is part of the consequence of living in the "inner city". Once a man pulled out a hyperdermic needle asking, "How many cc's? Are you going to be a boy or a man? How many cc's?!?" He was clearly deranged and thankfully the question was more rhetorical, rather than directed towards anyone in particular on the train. Once I was scolded for not wearing gloves and the appropriate shoes for Oregon weather. Then there is always the occasional drunk or meth user, passing out or tweaking nearby. It is public transportation afterall. I am just thankful to make it home safely, where I can escape from it all. That is until recently.

The other night I was on the phone to a girlfriend, when I hear the front doorbell. No one ever uses the front door. So immediately I knew it was some stranger. As I came around the corner, I saw an unfamiliar women through the window. I was alone in the house and against my best judgement, I answered the door anyways. She is standing there with a handful of large empty juice containers and wants to know if she can use my garden hose to fill them up. Is this some kind of joke? My water bill every three months is over $200. Am I really going to allow some homeless stranger to use my hose? "No!" I tell her and she looks at me with the attitude. Whatever! I go back to the phone conversation with my girlfriend. Not five minutes later, I hear the doorbell again. What now? Holly hell--I can hardly belive it! She is back.

I open the door and ask "Can I help you?!?" She started lecturing me about God! "I hope that someday God comes to your door and is thirsty and-" I interrupt, "Are you f&*!king kidding me right now?!? Get off my f___g porch!" She goes on, "If you have any faith at all-" Again I interrupt, "I don't lady! So get of my f___g porch right now before I call the policy. Does my house look like some f___g homeless shelter to you?!?" Finally, she gets it. "God bless you, sister!" she says as she walks away. Call me heartless, but I really have no tolerance for homeless people. Again, not my problem you made poor choices and screwed up your life. I work hard for everything that I have and so does my husband. And I really don't appreciate being approached, of all places, in my home. It is bad enough that I get hit up at least twice a day in the transient mall on my way to and from work.

It is not that I am against charity, but I believe that it should be on my own terms. This is the third time in the last month or so that we have been approached by pan-handlers in front of our house. Again I expect this Downtown or while on the MAX, but not while I am doing yard work or walking the dogs in the park! It is bad enough they squat on the bluff beyond the park. Sometimes they are even bold enough to pitch a tent or roll out a sleeping bag in the wide open and stay the night. If I want to camp in a state park, I have to pay a user fee. So why should they receive the privelege at no cost? In addition, my damn tax dollars go towards the maintenance of the park for everyone to enjoy. There is nothing enjoyable about seeing a bunch of drunk homeless people passed out under a tree at 9:30 AM in the morning.

Call me unfeeling, but I am just tired of it. Why is it that I don't notice this problem in other cities? I think it is a Portland thing. I think that we are just too liberal here and too tolerant. You would think the rain woud keep them away. Or maybe it is just a North Portland thing. Trust me, if this crap was happening in Lake Oswego, they would find a way to put a stop to it quick. Such BS! There was one little meth house in NW Portland and the Portland Police provided a dedicated officer to the neighborhood to resolve the problem. We have an entire strip of crime infested hotels up and down Interstate, but because it is No Po, no one gives a damn. Things will never change. It is a government conspiracy I think.

Apathy - Part I

2005-05-05T14:32:00.000-07:00

The homeless problem in Portland is getting out of hand. Just the other day I got on the MAX to go home when a group of homeless teens boarded with me. I have resorted to sitting up front near the conductor in the afternoons to avoid the rif-raf that take advantage of "Fairless Square". No luck today. They decide to sit in front of me. They have a pit bull puppy with them. Animals are not allowed on MAX unless contained, but something tells me they are not into rules. It is only 4:00 PM and already they are slurring their words. Immediately I notice a stench and I hold my breath to try to keep the contents of my stomach from coming up. I look around hurriedly for an escape. Damn! The train is full. I bury my head back into my book and resume to holding my breath.

It gets worse. The guy has a large hole in his earlobe with a pencil pushed through. It is red and looks infected. Soon he removes the pencil to expose the hole and now I am looking straight through to the other side. Gross! All of a sudden his girlfriend starts picking at the wound. Oh my God! The puss begins to ooze, and, wait--she has found a pimple on his neck. She decides to pick at that, too. I am really in a panic now. I try to look away, but it is like a train wreck. Concerned for my safety, I have lost all concentration and put my book down. She is showing him the "juice". The train is even more crowded now and I cannot get away. As we come across the bridge to the next stop, I could hardly believe what happened next. He has now removed his shirt and she has begin picking the pimples on his back!!!! That was about all I could handle. I was off at the next stop.

I took out my cell phone to call a ride. Of course I could not find anyone to pick me up. My mother was at the mall and my husband was more than 45 minutes away. I could not bear the thought of getting back on the next train. So I started to walk. Just a few blocks away was a new bar. My plan was to stop there, enjoy a beer, and wait for someone to come get me. I needed a drink bad. Unfortunately, I wore heels and a suit that day. After four blocks I arrived at the new bar. It was closed and my feet were beginning to throb. Feeling absolutely defeated, I gave in and walked across the street to the nearby MAX station. I had no choice but to get back on. I still had a mile or more to go, mostly uphill. I would not make it on my own.

I was so mad! I pay $30 a month to ride that damn train. I get my butt out of bed everyday, to go to work to make that $30. And these damn people, they get on the train with no regard for anyone else. They smell bad. They have their dog on the train. They are disrespectful. They don't pay. And I am the one that has to get off and walk? "Fairless Square" is a nice convenience, but I would support doing away with it in order to stop subsidizing transportation for the homeless. Everyone else has to pay, including the welfare people, so what should make them any different? I just don't really feel like it is my problem. Nor do I care!

It's Vegas, baby!

2005-04-25T17:19:00.000-07:00

My grandmother's 80th birthday party is this weekend, in Las Vegas of all places. So my entire family on my dad's side is heading down to Sin City on Friday. It will be the first time in her life, that all her children and grandchildren will be together in one place. Crazy. She is pretty excited and so was I. I have not been to Vegas since I turned 21, over nine years ago. And I understand a lot has changed. In addition, my brother, whom I have not seen in almost a year and a half, is flying in from Texas. And did I mention, it's Vegas?!?

Then today at lunch, someone said something that made me feel all self-conscious. It was Kara. Apparently, according to "all the magazines" it is Hard Rock's 100th anniversary. And to celebrate they are shutting down the Hard Rock in Las Vegas and having a huge star-studded party. "It's this weekend and everyone is going to be there!" Don't ask me why this made me feel so stupid all of a sudden! In fact, as I am writing this I realize how lame the whole thing is. But honestly, I was almost sorry that I was even going to Vegas this weekend. I couldn't help thinking, "Oh my god! I am going to be the frumpiest girl in town!"

Admittedly, I am having a rough Monday. It started raining again and the dreary weather always gets me a little down. I spent the weekend wearing the same denim capris and hooded sweatshirt for two days. Then I was running late this morning, so the outfit I wore to work was not particularly flattering. I wore my orthopedic shoes today. I could not find my coat on the way out, so I opted for the ski parka. And for lunch I had tator tots. Oh, that's right, did I forget about Vegas?!? I wanted to purge the tots. Oh my god! I have to get into my skinny jeans and hoochie tops all weekend. I have to do my hair and makeup. I am usually good for one night, but I am not feeling very confident about three. And my hair--I am in ugly grow out stage right now. What if they don't let me into the bars? What if my husband spends the whole weekend checking out all the young hotties that are sure to be everywhere? I don't know if my fragile ego can take it today!

My brother calls. "I am freaking out!" I tell him. "I feel fat and frumpy! I don't want to go!" He assures me I am being ridiculous. I won't be the oldest one in the bar. There will be plenty older than me. Besides, he was not planning on taking me to any of the "A-list" bars, like the ones where the Super Models hang out. It is impossible to get in, he explains. The bouncers hand pick the girls from the ridiculously long lines. Oh, well that's reassuring.

Unlike other Western cities, Vegas has a certain raw sensuality about it. It is the epitome of sex, excess, and debauchery. It is home to "The Bunny Ranch" and high rollers. Built in the middle of a desert with no water around for miles, it is the ultimate mirage. It is a place where people can go to indulge in their fantasies. Rich, poor, beautiful, or indifferent, makes no matter. There is something for everyone, right? Even me. So I am taking a more optimistic view and am hoping to find myself pleasantly surprised. And if that fails, I'll be at the bar!

Thursdays in PDX

2005-04-21T20:43:00.000-07:00

I love this time of the year. The weather starts getting nice again and it stays light out until 8:00. It is Thursday night in Portland and for several years now it has been the night to see and be seen in town. I think it started with the art walk in the Pearl, then tailspun with PGE Park's Thirsty Thursday ($1 beer night), and more recently Last Thursday on Alberta. Whatever the reason, you can always guarantee that there will be a good crowd on a Thursday night in most Portland bars. In fact, on our way home tonight I observed a few different crowds of people at a couple of places. Seeing those people made me thirsty for a beer. So when I got home, I cracked open a Corona, grabbed the dogs, and parked myself in my backyard to enjoy the city skyline. The sun was just setting behind the West Hills, leaving traces of pink and purple hues in horizontal stripes just above the trees. The air is warm and smells of fresh cut grass. My beer is cold and as I take my first sip, I begin to reminisce about Thursdays past. And Wednesdays, and Fridays, and....

In college, the big night was Wednesday. "Wacky Wednesday" we called it. My sophomore year, I lived in my sorority house, and we had a ritual every Wednesday night. It all began promptly after dinner. The bathrooms were bustling with activity. There were showers to be had, outfits to be selected, hair and makeup. Then of course, you had to locate your "party bra"--cute and for some padded, just in case you planned on "mashing" with a boy. Waiting for us at the fraternity house were Upside Down Margaritas and cold Milwaukee's Best beer. Mmmm! The following week, awards would be handed out at our chapter meeting commemorating the mayhem that occurred on Wednesday night. "Morning Sneaker" which was a dirty Ked given to the girl caught sneaking back into the sleeping porch the next morning. And then there was "The Masher", a potato masher given to the girl who had the best hook up.

After college, it was all about "Wet Wednesday", the amateur wakeboard competition on the Willamette River. Although there were some serious competitors each week, to me it was never about the wakeboarding. No, it was all about being cute, drinking beer, and checking out all the cuties on the deck of Who Song's. I loved Wet Wednesday. The Thursday afterwards was usually always a little rough!

Then I discovered "First Thursday" in the Pearl. It is really meant to be about the art, but for me it became about being cute, Cosmopolitans (you can't drink Coors Light in the Pearl), and checking out the cuties at Oba's. Not long after, I discovered "Thirsty Thursday" and later "Last Thursday" and well, my month was pretty full. Alas, it had to come to an end someday, right?

So this Thursday, the only girls that I am hanging out with our my puppies, Bella and Ginger. And I am sipping on a beer from the fridge in a green lawn chair. I am wearing jeans that I have worn for a couple of days in a row. And as I look down, I notice they are covered in paw prints from "my girls". I have to laugh. I did have plans, but those were canceled. Someone had a sick child and another gal had other more important things to tend to. I was invited to a stamping party, but somehow I manged to space that (probably subliminal, as I am not a big fan of crafts). Across town, one of my "Wet Wednesday" partners is on the eve of giving birth to her second child. All of a sudden the beer has lost it's appeal. The sun has gone completely behind the hills. It is time to come inside. I linger just a little longer, but I cannot stay. Spring awaits around the corner and with it comes new beginnings. I pour out my beer and make my way into the house.

A blog a day,

2005-04-19T21:14:00.000-07:00

keeps the doctor away. Or at least that is what the experts say. So I am going to try to be more diligent about posting more often. To help me along I have been jotting down ideas for future blogs as they come to me. Sometimes quotes, but mostly just random thoughts. Like the stuff that I lay awake thinking about at night.

As discussed in previous posts, many of the women in my life are new mothers or soon-to-be mothers. And in talking with them, as I so often do, I have discovered a couple of other scary things about what I affectionately call "The Mommy Trap". First is the unexpected insecurity that comes with 1) becoming pregnant and then 2) with becoming a parent. As every woman is aware, one of the most life altering side effects of pregnancy is the significant weight gain. However, every woman is different. And unfortunately, you don't know how you will carry your pregnancy until you are way into the final trimester. Enter our friends "The Simpsons". We have been friends with the Simpsons for over 5 years and shared a pretty good relationship with them prior to the last six months or so. And I have really been struggling with the whole thing, until recently.

Whereas we used to see the Simpsons all the time, we have only seen them once in the last six months. Even the phone calls have stopped. At last, we get an update through the grapevine. The mother-to-be is "fat and pissed-off". A phone call on Sunday from Mr.Simpson confirms it. With the due date fast approaching, she does not even want to leave the house. I am caught off-guard. What I had been construing as a snub this entire time, might not really be a snub at all. It sounds like my friend is depressed. Which is so unexpected because she was so gung-ho about getting pregnant before. She never doubted for one second that she wanted to be a mom.

A little background on Mrs. Simpson. She is my very fashion forward friend. In fact, fashion is her profession. And she is darn good at it. Petite, blonde, and sassy. So it is pretty safe to say that most of her self-image revolves around outward appearances. And from the sounds of things, pregnancy has temporarily robbed her of that. To add insult to injury, while Mrs.Simpson has been gaining weight, Mr.Simpson has been losing it. 35 pounds to be exact. Under other circumstances this would be welcome news. But it sounds like the hormones are really doing a number on her. All of a sudden, I stopped being mad. In fact, I feel bad. I know it is just the hormones, but I did not expect pregnancy to bring that out in her.

My friends the "Ramsey's" have two little ones in their life. Only 11 months separates the two boys, so they have their hands full. Prior to baby #2's arrival, Mrs. Ramsey and I had a conversation that got me thinking. Feeling a little anxious about the stress of another baby she said, "Mr.Ramsey is so pre-occupied with J. that it is hard some times." It is not what she said that struck me, it was how she said it. I could almost sense a tinge of jealousy in her voice.

Background on the Ramsey's. Mrs.Ramsey was raised solely by her mother, so has never known the affection of a father. With the arrival of J. in the Ramsey's life, he quickly became the apple of his father's eye. J. can do know wrong and Mr.Ramsey is an adoring father. Almost to a fault.

Curious, I asked another friend who recently became a mother, "Do you ever get jealous of Emma with your husband?" She does not, but her mother was jealous of her. She said that the love you have for your own child is so powerful and so pure, that she could easily see how it could be threatening to someone who is at all insecure. Hmmm, like a recently pregnant woman with hormones running a marathon through her body?!?

Okay, so maybe it is not actually pregnancy that is all bad. Clearly, after further analysis, it is just the hormones that are a result of the pregnancy. But still, marriage is already a lot of work. Do I really need to add yet another layer of complication? This is all coming up because my husband woke me up last night to tell me he wanted to have a baby with me. And for a half second, I thought it might be a good idea. YIKES! Glad we both woke up from that dream.

Damn, people are stupid

2005-04-12T19:19:00.000-07:00

I have had enough today with idiots! I am not some kind of elitist, but I really wonder sometimes about other people. There are times when I just want to ask, "What color is the sky in your world?"

Like this guy that I work with. He is the creepiest, most socially awkward freak I have ever had to deal with in a professional setting. He is 44 and looks it--grey, balding. Most days he looks like he slept in whatever he is wearing--shirt half tucked, wrinkled. Despite his disheveled appearance and awkward mannerisms, he fancies himself a ladies man. In fact, he has hit on quite a few of the women at work and has even been spotted chasing complete strangers down in the streets. Sometime last summer, he decided that I might be interested in some of his weekend adventures. It is always the same story. He meets a girl. She is in her 20's. She likes to drink. He takes her out. And she never calls again. Hmmm, could it be because you are a fucking freak?!? I will tell you, I can drink with the best of them. And when I was younger there were nights when I could not have even told you my name. But lord help me if I could ever be drunk enough to think going out with this guy was a good idea! There is not enough liquor on this earth.

Today he really pissed me off. We are in different job functions, but our jobs require that we work closely together. I had a unique situation for which I had to customize a solution, "think outside of the box" as they say in corporate speak. Problem is, this guy is so not one of those "out of the box" people. He wants cookie cutter solutions to every problem. So he kept insisting that I was wrong. I am one of those "hate to be wrong" people. It took a third person to review it, but I was right after all. So I tried to explain why this was a little different. And he was just not getting it. He kept going back to, "Well, in the past other underwriters always did it this way." Okay, jackass! That would be okay if this was not a special circumstance. Can you get it through your thick skull? I would not be so frustrated if this happened only sometimes. No, it happens everytime I have to deal with him. Like on Friday when he had to send me something 5 or 6 times before it was finally right. He has the fucking words "Senior" in his title, I don't.

Then there are all the other incompetents I work with. The guy with autism who never speaks. In fact most days he is completely expressionless, kind of like those guys in the Blue Man Group. It freaks me out. I say 'hi' and he just looks at me and blinks. No smile. No nothing. There is Farrah Faucet with her polyester suits from the '80's. Not knowing how to use Excel, she once hand calculated a spreadsheet, manually entered all the figures, and still could not get it to add up. Then there is the evangelist. There is no such thing as luck, everything is a "blessing". I often wonder why I have been so blessed to be on such a team of misfits.

Tomorrow I will get up and do it all over again. For now I am just glad to be in the company of my cat and my dogs which I prefer over that of the idiots I work with!

The unconventional wisdom of Carrie Bradshaw

2005-04-05T08:12:00.000-07:00

It is Tuesday of what is turning out to be a hectic week. My dad's oldest sister recently arrived in the US, 20 years after her original petition was submitted. She is in LA, but is coming today to stay with us for the next two weeks. Which is not a problem except for our house is small and the only spare room is technically our office (a.k.a. the dump zone). So for the last week I have been frantically trying to clean it up, so that it is somewhat presentable. In addition, I have three birthdays and a farewell lunch this week. Which required a trip to Target for cards and gifts. At 9:30 I finally get home. But I still need to go through the mail and pay all the bills before going to bed. So I head into the office. Unfortunately, due to the room's regular status as a dumping zone, there is a small mess waiting for me from my husband. I pick up the mess and begin on the bills. Finally at 11:00, I make it into bed exhausted. Then I remember--season five of "Sex and the City" is now available on my On-Demand cable! Must watch at least one episode.

I did not become a devoted "Sex and the City" fan until about midway into season six. And then a season later, the series was over. Sure the set is available on DVD, but I am too cheap to pay the $350. Then it became available On-Demand via my cable box. I powered through season two, watching two, maybe three episodes at a time. Only problem with cable, you have to wait a few weeks for the following season to become available. So I marked the calendard and patiently waited for season three which I completed in one entire day while home sick from work. On to season four. Never mind that I have yet to see season one or the fact that I already know how it is going to end. I just cannot get enough. The storyline is just so relevant to my life right now.

For example, last night was "Fleet Week" in NYC. Miranda is a new mommy and Carrie and the girls are feeling a change in the tide. All of a sudden Miranda's life is being consumed with motherhood and there is a disconnect. Carrie being the good friend she is, tries to relate and makes a promise nothing will change. "She had a baby, not a labotomy." Sometimes I have got to wonder. You know those women. In the meantime, Miranda is distracted and feeling left out. She is also scared. I can relate. I think I would be, too. In fact, it is my fear, too.

The show ends with Carrie walking through a perfect NYC night and the following quote, "Sometimes we have to leave behind who we were, in order to become who we will be." Hmmm...I fell asleep pondering that, thinking about the irony in the timeliness of this message. By this time it was way past my bedtime. I cannot help but to wonder if somehow I was meant to watch that episode last night. It was a kind of stressful day and I was feeling pretty grumpy by the time I made it into bed. Regardless, it was just what I needed.

HELP--I've fallen, and I can't get up!

2005-04-04T13:06:00.000-07:00

Forgive me, for I have failed. It has been over a week since my last workout and I am really starting to feel guilty. It's just that it has been raining here. And well, running really sucks and running in the rain is just that much worse. I tried. There was the day that I wore a hat and found my waterproof jacket. It was not bad, in fact it was almost nice to run in the cool rain. But then the rain just never went away. Last Monday, I even put my running clothes out on the bed. I was going to go running before drinking beer, mostly to cancel out the act of drinking beer and less to actually gain some ground. But I took a nap instead and drank beer anyways. Then Tuesday came, and Wednesday, and Thursday (more beer), Friday, Sat...I promised myself I would start fresh again on Sunday. But then we lost an hour. Meanwhile, my workout clothes have been on my bedroom floor ever since.

So here it is Monday and it has stopped raining (for now). What will I do??? I never appreciated the body I had when I was younger. Even when I was working out regularly and feeling fit it was not good enough. Every year it is the same thing. Begin gaining weight when the sun goes away (October in Oregon). Then in spring when the short sleeve shirts, dresses, and skirts come back out, go into panic mode. Last year I decided to take a stand. I was turning 30 afterall, I felt entitled to a little weight. Well, guess what? I never lost any last year, gained even more this winter season, and last time I was on the scale I am officially the heaviest I have ever been in my life. So after receiving that news, I thought I had better get to running. My plan was to give myself at least 30 days. I think last I checked I was on day 20 or 21. Only nine more workouts to go and here I am, I have fallen off the wagon again. Then to add insult to injury, I was informed that a woman's body goes through significant metabolic changes once every 10 years. Great!

I could tackle it from another angle. I could try to watch what I eat. But the problem is, I have terrible eating habits. Like today, I had a reuben sandwich and chips for lunch. And this weekend, I had pizza, beer, fried shrimp, hashbrowns, and bacon (not in combination, of course). I almost thought about making a list of all the bad food choices I make throughout the day. Just because I think it would be a real eye opener to have to face the list. I hate to beat myself up over it. And I have really been trying to move away from my obsession with it for the last five years. I find it much more motivating to view it as a decision I am making for my health and not so much due to appearances. But this time of the year, it is hard to ignore the visual appeal of a healthy self.

I know exercising is good for me. Not only physically, but also mentally. I mean, listen to me. I have been off the wagon for just over a week and I notice a difference in my disposition. That's it, I am going to recommit to myself today. I wonder if I will still be able to find those workout clothes on my floor this afternoon?

The Middle Road

2005-04-01T08:24:00.000-08:00

While searching for something to watch the other night, I stumbled across the "Newlyweds" marathon leading up to the series finale. Admittedly, it is one of my guilty indulgences. And as I sat in front of the TV for 3 hours watching, I could not help but to wonder, is money the true key to happiness? And as I began to ponder the answer, I began to wonder about the meaning and purpose of life. How I managed to get deep after watching Jessica Simpson, I cannot say.

Nonetheless, here is this beautiful couple that appear to have it all. Great careers, a gorgeous home, the right cars, the best clothes, shopping sprees, dinners in the finest restaurants, vacations around the world. Life is great right? So does that mean that my complete lack of these material things somehow discounts my value and purpose in life? Or does it just mean that I need to find my own way and my own purpose void of such material things? I believe the answer lies somewhere in between.

As I child, my world, my purpose was just to be. To grow and learn. I passed the time with school and outside of school, my time was spent playing with my cousins and my neighborhood friends. In high school, that continued. Of course I had moved on to other friends and I also become pre-occupied with appearances. I learned to love shopping. I learned to separate myself from my family. College was my first time away from home. I declared my major and I determined I was going to be the one to save the world. I learned more about my sensuality and became more comforfable in my own skin. After school, I became a career woman. I purchased my first real suit and matching heels and began my ascent up the corporate ladder. Only to have the ladder pulled out from underneath me when I was laid off from my first real job. At that time, I found myself for the first time, really questioning my purpose in my life. Was it to be the next CEO? Or did I have another purpose? One that had nothing to do with corporate America, but instead was more centered on home and the family? Again, I believed that the answer was someplace in the middle.

Since then, I have spent the last few years trying to find that balance. And I thought that my journey had finally come close to its end. Then I turned 30. And I have unexpectedly arrived at a fork in the road. Everything that I thought I knew about myself has all of a sudden become unclear. Everything that I thought I knew about everyone else has all of a sudden become unclear. Who am I? Who do I want to be? The girl that once stared back at me in the mirror is gone. She is no longer pre-occupied with her looks, her weight, or her fashion. She is not the CEO she dreamt she wanted to be. She is not a mother. She is not wealthy. She wonders, is she a good wife? She wonders, is she a good friend? She worries, will she be forgotten? She searches for the answers.

As I begin this new journey, in this new decade, I approach the only way I know how. As a researcher. Those who know me will appreciate my pragmatic style. I interview. I question. I explore. For some the answer was motherhood. For one the answer was skydiving. For another, the answer was new friends. For others it was career. For one, the answer was God. For me, I think it is someplace in between.

I hate skinny people!

2005-03-23T14:49:00.000-08:00

This morning I was starving and a bacon, egg, cheese biscuit from Mickey D's sounded really good. Anyone who knows me, knows I love bacon! So I found a friend and headed over to the stinky Mickey D's near my office. After enduring the smell of B.O. and urine, I returned to my desk biscuit, coffee, and hashbrown in hand. I was so looking forward to the first bite, when two of my co-workers stop me on my way back to my desk.

"Oh, you already have your coffee this morning. Fine then." This coming from the self-proclaimed "health nut" on our team. Mind you, she is constantly obsessing over her weight and always loudly turning down treats, bread, carbs, etc. so that we can be certain we hear her. Not only that, she makes other people feel like crap for even looking at a piece of bread sideways. And somehow whenever we go out to eat as a team, I always get stuck next to her while she goes on and on about how she loves vegetables and fruit. She is so obnoxious! Never mind that she would be the first to scarf down 3 cookies when no one is looking. Or the fact that I understand that her daughter has battled anorexia.

Anywhoo, back to this morning. So I say, "Well, I went to McDonald's and I know that is really not your kind of place." So in her condescending little way, she says, "McDonald's, huh? Have you seen the move 'Supersize Me'?" Okay, are you kidding me right now? It is not even 8:00 in the morning, my blood sugar is low, and last I checked, I didn't think I was some kind of fat ass that needed a McIntervention! So I say back, "You know, I really don't care about that. It's not like I eat shitty food everyday of the week." With that she is half apologetic and leaves for her coffee.

In the meantime, I get back to my desk and start in on the greasy hashbrowns, saving the sandwich for last. Half way through the hasbrowns, I decide to quit, in favor of saving room for my sandwich. CRAP! They gave me a sausage McMuffin instead! Now my morning has gone south, and just then, guess who comes back for more?!? "Good morning Miss McMuffin eatin', such and such..." At which I turn my chair around to get a look at her, when she notices the flower pin I have on today, and says, "Oh my! That is a very big flower pin you have on your shirt today," with a look on her face like I had just made the fashion mistake of the year. This coming from a woman who still wears the Farrah hair from the '80's, wears polyester suits, and cream pumps, right? It ended with me giving her the look of death and saying, "How can I help you today?" through clinched teeth and my best fake smile. That ended that, but I am sure there will be another battle in the near future.

What is it with all these damn skinny people and their hang-ups? Just because you are self-concious and withhold food to make yourself feel better, don't put that crap on me! I am getting too old for that. Seriously. Life is too short and I am not going to not have a beer or a cheeseburger because I am afraid it will end up on my thighs.

The Mommy Trap

2005-03-09T08:02:00.000-08:00

What is it with turning 30? It seems like my entire world has all of a sudden become inundated with pregnancies, toddlers, and children. Prior to turning 30, I could count on maybe one hand the number of women in my life that were mothers or even entertaining the idea. Then last year, the year that most of my peers also turned 30, things suddenly switched. And it was not even like a gradual switch. It was almost overnight. Now instead of happy hour cocktails and naughty stories, I am attending dry baby showers and learning about the importance of having plenty of bibs on hand and the merits of Pampers vs. Huggies. Are you kidding me?!? I cannot escape. I know ten women that are pregnant right now, not to mention all the 1 year old birthday parties I have had to attend in the last year.

Then of course the questions start, "When are you and Donny going to have a baby?" Has it ever occured to any of these women that there are just some people who really are not interested in joining their twisted world? There is a commercial for Saturn right now and the women says, "You spend so many years putting yourself first, and when you become second, well, you are just so thankful." What the hell? I am sorry, but I am selfish. Is that so wrong? It is bad enough with my dogs that I sometimes have to pass on a happy hour because they have to be let out. But pass on my entire life? No thank you. I hear them piss and moan about the lack of sleep, the expense, the weight gain, the sacrifices. Then they always say, "But I wouldn't trade it for anything!" It must be the hormones because any person in their right mind would not view that as an invitation to become part of their pathetic club. Just because their lives are miserable does not mean everyone else should be miserable with them.

Don't get me wrong. I think children are great. And I have had more than my share of wonderful children in my life. Without which my life would be a little more lonely. I just don't know if I am ready to make that commitment yet. And I would appreciate my right to defend that and explore that without the pressures of society bearing down on me. I still have a lot of life yet unfufilled. And until I can comfortably say, I am done putting myself first, I don't think I really want to put my dreams and goals on the backburner. I have spent too much of my time doing that in the past. I think I get irritated that I even have to justify how I feel. It is the same problem with marriage. Society says, you have to do it. But do you? Then once your married, you have to have children. But again, do you? I have always had strong feelings against both for a long time. I never really ever wanted to be a wife or mother. Well, I finally decided that it might be okay to be a wife. But we have an agreement that I am me first, a wife second. I don't really know that you can do that with children and be fair. The prospect of becoming a mother threatens my independence more than becoming a wife ever did. Like the Johnson & Johnson commercials say, "Having a baby changes everything." They don't have ad campaigns like that for marriage.

First Time

2005-03-07T15:29:00.000-08:00

A couple of girlfriends turned me on to blogging and I am finding it is more intimidating than I expected. I mean publishing my most intimate thoughts for others to see is kind of scary. Maybe I am just afraid that I will find out that I really am crazy?!? It may take me a little while to warm up to this idea, but I find writing out my thoughts to be therapeutic, so I am going to give it a chance.