The Middle Road

While searching for something to watch the other night, I stumbled across the "Newlyweds" marathon leading up to the series finale. Admittedly, it is one of my guilty indulgences. And as I sat in front of the TV for 3 hours watching, I could not help but to wonder, is money the true key to happiness? And as I began to ponder the answer, I began to wonder about the meaning and purpose of life. How I managed to get deep after watching Jessica Simpson, I cannot say.

Nonetheless, here is this beautiful couple that appear to have it all. Great careers, a gorgeous home, the right cars, the best clothes, shopping sprees, dinners in the finest restaurants, vacations around the world. Life is great right? So does that mean that my complete lack of these material things somehow discounts my value and purpose in life? Or does it just mean that I need to find my own way and my own purpose void of such material things? I believe the answer lies somewhere in between.

As I child, my world, my purpose was just to be. To grow and learn. I passed the time with school and outside of school, my time was spent playing with my cousins and my neighborhood friends. In high school, that continued. Of course I had moved on to other friends and I also become pre-occupied with appearances. I learned to love shopping. I learned to separate myself from my family. College was my first time away from home. I declared my major and I determined I was going to be the one to save the world. I learned more about my sensuality and became more comforfable in my own skin. After school, I became a career woman. I purchased my first real suit and matching heels and began my ascent up the corporate ladder. Only to have the ladder pulled out from underneath me when I was laid off from my first real job. At that time, I found myself for the first time, really questioning my purpose in my life. Was it to be the next CEO? Or did I have another purpose? One that had nothing to do with corporate America, but instead was more centered on home and the family? Again, I believed that the answer was someplace in the middle.

Since then, I have spent the last few years trying to find that balance. And I thought that my journey had finally come close to its end. Then I turned 30. And I have unexpectedly arrived at a fork in the road. Everything that I thought I knew about myself has all of a sudden become unclear. Everything that I thought I knew about everyone else has all of a sudden become unclear. Who am I? Who do I want to be? The girl that once stared back at me in the mirror is gone. She is no longer pre-occupied with her looks, her weight, or her fashion. She is not the CEO she dreamt she wanted to be. She is not a mother. She is not wealthy. She wonders, is she a good wife? She wonders, is she a good friend? She worries, will she be forgotten? She searches for the answers.

As I begin this new journey, in this new decade, I approach the only way I know how. As a researcher. Those who know me will appreciate my pragmatic style. I interview. I question. I explore. For some the answer was motherhood. For one the answer was skydiving. For another, the answer was new friends. For others it was career. For one, the answer was God. For me, I think it is someplace in between.