Loser!

A few weeks ago, there was an announcement at work that one of the newer folks received a promotion over me. What the hell?!? I was pretty pissed, so I went to my manager and had a discussion. Receiving a promotion after just a year and half is practically unheard of in my position. In fact, there are specific criteria that you must meet and rumor has it that several exceptions were made. No way this can be happening to me. It is my biggest fear realized. I am going to get left behind.

Nine months ago, I took a temporary assignment to head up a special project. I was told it was going to be such a great opportunity. In many ways it has been, but the result is that ultimately I must return to my old job where I am nine months behind everyone else. "Don't look at it as though you are being penalized," my manger says to me. "You made a choice." Yes, but how much of a choice do you really have in these situations, right? To say no would have set me back in a different direction.

So now here I am, the fifth year senior. No promotion in sight for me in the near future. In fact, when she ran it up the ladder, it was a unanimous "Not right now." So if not now, when? Especially considering that she is not going to help me to get the exposure I need to get there.

This just adds insult to injury, seeing as I was recently declined for another position within the company just a few short weeks ago. I feel like I am spinning my wheels in the sand and going no where. I am being told that my focus has been to diversified. In other words, I should have made better decisions about what I thought I wanted to do. Because my focus was too broad and directed more towards leadership. So now I am feeling like all that "exposure" I received was all for not, and my manager is making me feel like an ingrate. "I sacrificed myself, so that you could have that opportunity." Are you kidding me with that shit?!?

Well great because it got both of us a whole lot of nowhere. What the hell am I doing with my life? I am back at school to get a degree, and now I am really beginning to question if it is even worth it. Especially since the resounding message that I am getting at work is that I am a fuck up loser that is not good enough to do anything. I am so frustrated right now. I got the news Monday about my promotion and I left work early. Then I called in today. I am so over it right now. I wish I never had to go back there.

I am sure I am going to get sandbagged now that all the managers know that I asked to be considered for a promotion. When pleading my case, my manager made the smart move of mentioning the other person, so now I am sure all the managers think I am immature and spiteful. GREAT! Just what I need. That will be super going forward for the rest of my damn career. I might as well get out while I can. No one likes a complainer and a whiner. "How is she different from Superstar?" Really?!? Who in the hell says that? No, that doesn't paint me in a bad light or anything. Especially since Superstar is the VPs pet. Nice job! I am sure I will never be living this one down. Might as well plan on being in my position for several more years.

I cannot help but to believe that the universe is sending me a message. Maybe I am really that dull. Maybe I am truly not deserving of any position of rank. I am having serious doubts about my abilities. Especially since it is coming from a multitude of sources. Who am I kidding? "Most Likely to Succeed" my ass. I guess I was the fool to believe it. Clearly that is not the case. I wasn't good enough at my previous job and I am still not good enough. And from the sounds of things I probably never will be.

Making myself crazy

It has not been this quite down here in a while. Not sure what the difference is this week from the last few, but I am definitely a little bored today. To compound matters, there is no one to email or chat at. K was good for that. For better or worse.

I want to be home playing in the sun. I have class tonight. So I will run home and change. I have nothing to deliver tonight. I need to try to get the banking done in bits and pieces. It is critical that I at least deal with stuff that is due.

I also need to start working on my paper. I will tackle it beginning tomorrow. 3-4 hours beginning between 6 and 7. I need to get C's invites in the mail tonight. I am going to stop worrying about how much or how little notice we are giving folks. I figure it is her shower, so she only has herself to blame. I tried getting this information from her a while back.

I should give Little Star a call. I need someone to ground me. I am feeling a little frazzled and overwhelmed. She is a calming influence that can take me outside of myself for a little bit. She is far removed from my crazy life, so has no opinions either way.

I would like to see people, but need to realize that I am not obligated. Nor do I have to feel obligated to see anyone. It is not priority and the school thing is temporary and expensive. So I should try to focus. I can do that. It helps to reduce the stress level.

Why do I care? I have this need to be the harmonizer. I do not like it when people are not in harmony. I assume that L is unhappy, but I do not know that for fact. Operating on that assumption, makes me "pity" her and seek out criticism. It is quite possible that everything is just fine, so I need to stop trying to fix things. Okay. Beginning tomorrow, I am going to stop trying to fix what I perceive to be broken. It is highly likely nothing is broken at all. Be more like D. Disinterested. Not that being disinterested is a negative. Another assumption. I associate that behavior with a lack of compassion. Not so. Really a much smarter strategy than my own.

Need to really inwardly focus. Spending too much energy wasted worrying about others and how to fix their problems. Worrying about others and what they think of me or how they perceive me. Worrying that people will forget about me if I don't make all the required appearances.

I spent some down time just not worrying about anything at all last night. It was really nice. It helped me to put much of what is going around me in perspective. I discovered that not very much of it matters at all. The world is not going to come to an end if I don't finish my laundry, or skip a chapter in my reading, or get to the grocery store. I really just need to chill out.