Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Loser!

A few weeks ago, there was an announcement at work that one of the newer folks received a promotion over me. What the hell?!? I was pretty pissed, so I went to my manager and had a discussion. Receiving a promotion after just a year and half is practically unheard of in my position. In fact, there are specific criteria that you must meet and rumor has it that several exceptions were made. No way this can be happening to me. It is my biggest fear realized. I am going to get left behind.

Nine months ago, I took a temporary assignment to head up a special project. I was told it was going to be such a great opportunity. In many ways it has been, but the result is that ultimately I must return to my old job where I am nine months behind everyone else. "Don't look at it as though you are being penalized," my manger says to me. "You made a choice." Yes, but how much of a choice do you really have in these situations, right? To say no would have set me back in a different direction.

So now here I am, the fifth year senior. No promotion in sight for me in the near future. In fact, when she ran it up the ladder, it was a unanimous "Not right now." So if not now, when? Especially considering that she is not going to help me to get the exposure I need to get there.

This just adds insult to injury, seeing as I was recently declined for another position within the company just a few short weeks ago. I feel like I am spinning my wheels in the sand and going no where. I am being told that my focus has been to diversified. In other words, I should have made better decisions about what I thought I wanted to do. Because my focus was too broad and directed more towards leadership. So now I am feeling like all that "exposure" I received was all for not, and my manager is making me feel like an ingrate. "I sacrificed myself, so that you could have that opportunity." Are you kidding me with that shit?!?

Well great because it got both of us a whole lot of nowhere. What the hell am I doing with my life? I am back at school to get a degree, and now I am really beginning to question if it is even worth it. Especially since the resounding message that I am getting at work is that I am a fuck up loser that is not good enough to do anything. I am so frustrated right now. I got the news Monday about my promotion and I left work early. Then I called in today. I am so over it right now. I wish I never had to go back there.

I am sure I am going to get sandbagged now that all the managers know that I asked to be considered for a promotion. When pleading my case, my manager made the smart move of mentioning the other person, so now I am sure all the managers think I am immature and spiteful. GREAT! Just what I need. That will be super going forward for the rest of my damn career. I might as well get out while I can. No one likes a complainer and a whiner. "How is she different from Superstar?" Really?!? Who in the hell says that? No, that doesn't paint me in a bad light or anything. Especially since Superstar is the VPs pet. Nice job! I am sure I will never be living this one down. Might as well plan on being in my position for several more years.

I cannot help but to believe that the universe is sending me a message. Maybe I am really that dull. Maybe I am truly not deserving of any position of rank. I am having serious doubts about my abilities. Especially since it is coming from a multitude of sources. Who am I kidding? "Most Likely to Succeed" my ass. I guess I was the fool to believe it. Clearly that is not the case. I wasn't good enough at my previous job and I am still not good enough. And from the sounds of things I probably never will be.

6 Comments:

Blogger McRebeck said...

Im sure you are good enough for your job or you wouldn't have one.

Don't beat yourself up, maybe its time to look for a new employer, sounds like resentment has set in and it will bring you way down! A new job is always a lift.

8:53 PM  
Blogger Little Star said...

I'm going to have to agree with Mcrebeck on this one... You're not a loser...
And it sounds like it's time to consider a new employer... Your company has a notorious reputation...
But maybe just wait it out until you finish your Masters and then move on to better things... It's pretty standard practice (no pun intended) that to move up, you often have to move on...

I wouldn't take it personal... Have confidence, it will take you along way... and if you're lacking confidence, fake it till you make it...

But trust fate, or what ever it's called... sometimes we don't get what we want at the moment, and we find out later that something ten times better was waiting for us...
And we realize we wouldn't have been happy with what we originally thought we wanted...I know it sounds kind of Disney movie... But i really believe it... I believe in that force in the universe that knows us better then we know ourselves...
Cultivate a positive, determined attitute, and good thing will fall into place for you... sometimes it just takes time...
Life is like a relationship... we shouldn't try to force it,the most fulling ones are the ones that come natural...

And sometimes you have to think smaller to think bigger... have you considered medium size companies to get some other eperience, or smaller companies where you can get a broader variety of experience...
That worked for me...
All the smaller companies i worked for gave me a lot of eperience in a lot of things... now in the larger company i do a more specialized and narrow piece, but i'm part of the big pictire because of my broader experience...
Anyway,
Enough with my cliche' analogies...
Just thoughts and ideas...

But hang in there...

Thinking about you...

6:55 PM  
Blogger Knows It All said...

Yea. I think what is most important to focus on is that this is your life.. and that BIG COMPANY you work for is not the end of the world. Aren't they known fro kind of leaving people high and dry? Your degree is forever and will never be a bad thing. Open your mind to other worlds! You are awesome and you will find great things. Do not lost sight of that!

I wish you would not be so hard on yourself. XOXO but been there, done that! let me tell ya girl.

8:03 PM  
Blogger Rocky said...

Thanks girls for all the supportive words. The wounds were still pretty fresh at the time I posted. I know you are all right.

I have the chance to interview for what could be a good opportunity this Friday so wish me lots of luck. Otherwise you may have to endure a few more angry blogs!

9:41 PM  
Blogger Little Star said...

Cant wait to hear about the interview... Hope it goes well!
Is it internal or external?

5:00 PM  
Blogger Knows It All said...

Sending you good luck wishes!

1:46 PM  

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