Making myself crazy

It has not been this quite down here in a while. Not sure what the difference is this week from the last few, but I am definitely a little bored today. To compound matters, there is no one to email or chat at. K was good for that. For better or worse.

I want to be home playing in the sun. I have class tonight. So I will run home and change. I have nothing to deliver tonight. I need to try to get the banking done in bits and pieces. It is critical that I at least deal with stuff that is due.

I also need to start working on my paper. I will tackle it beginning tomorrow. 3-4 hours beginning between 6 and 7. I need to get C's invites in the mail tonight. I am going to stop worrying about how much or how little notice we are giving folks. I figure it is her shower, so she only has herself to blame. I tried getting this information from her a while back.

I should give Little Star a call. I need someone to ground me. I am feeling a little frazzled and overwhelmed. She is a calming influence that can take me outside of myself for a little bit. She is far removed from my crazy life, so has no opinions either way.

I would like to see people, but need to realize that I am not obligated. Nor do I have to feel obligated to see anyone. It is not priority and the school thing is temporary and expensive. So I should try to focus. I can do that. It helps to reduce the stress level.

Why do I care? I have this need to be the harmonizer. I do not like it when people are not in harmony. I assume that L is unhappy, but I do not know that for fact. Operating on that assumption, makes me "pity" her and seek out criticism. It is quite possible that everything is just fine, so I need to stop trying to fix things. Okay. Beginning tomorrow, I am going to stop trying to fix what I perceive to be broken. It is highly likely nothing is broken at all. Be more like D. Disinterested. Not that being disinterested is a negative. Another assumption. I associate that behavior with a lack of compassion. Not so. Really a much smarter strategy than my own.

Need to really inwardly focus. Spending too much energy wasted worrying about others and how to fix their problems. Worrying about others and what they think of me or how they perceive me. Worrying that people will forget about me if I don't make all the required appearances.

I spent some down time just not worrying about anything at all last night. It was really nice. It helped me to put much of what is going around me in perspective. I discovered that not very much of it matters at all. The world is not going to come to an end if I don't finish my laundry, or skip a chapter in my reading, or get to the grocery store. I really just need to chill out.