My fine is $385.60

Just read the "offense" and if you've done it, you owe that fine. Keep going until you've read each "offense" and added up your total fine. When you are done, post your score as a comment. Title your post "My fine is $........" You don't have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine.

Smoked pot -- $10
Did acid -- $5
Ever had sex at church -- $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you -- $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace -- $25
Had sex for money -- $100
Ever had sex with a Puerto Rican -- $20
Vandalized something -- $20
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
Beat up someone -- $20
Been jumped-- $10
Crossed dressed -- $10
Given money to stripper -- $25
Been in love with a stripper -- $20
Kissed some one who's name you didn't know-- $0.10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work -- $15
Ever drive drunk -- $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk-- $50
Used toys while having sex -- $30
Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20
Went skinny dipping -- $5
Had sex in a pool -- $20
Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20
Cheated on your significant other -- $10
Masturbated -- $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend -- $20
Done oral -- $5
Got oral -- $5
Done / got oral in a car while it was moving -- $25
Stole something -- $10
Had sex with someone in jail -- $25
Made a nasty home video -- $15
Had a threesome -- $50
Had sex in the wild -- $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars-- $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50
Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25
Went streaking -- $5
Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15
Been arrested -- $5
Spent time in jail -- $15
Peed in the pool -- $0.50
Played spin the bottle -- $5
Done something you regret -- $20
Had sex with your best friend -- $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work-- $25
Had anal sex -- $80
Lied to your mate -- $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $25

Exposed

I have been avoiding my blog for fear of being “caught”. Several months ago, I made the mistake of leaving my computer open on my blog page for my husband to stumble across. For the most part, I try to avoid posting anything too personnel on my page for the very reason that it is part of the public domain. In addition, my anonymity has been compromised for sometime given that I am part of a blog community of sorts. So I normally don’t publish anything I wouldn’t share publicly. However, on occasion, I do publish information I wouldn’t necessarily share with my husband. Let me explain.

My husband is very jealous, and not the good kind of jealous. Is there such a thing, one might ask. Well, yeah, kind of. Sometimes it is nice to know that your husband cares a little bit that other people might be looking at you. Unfortunately, my husband cares a lot. Even when the person who might be admiring me is completely not my type. It is annoying, yes. But it is my reality, so I try to keep him sheltered from such information.

Well, when he stumbled across my blog, he just happened to read that someone in my MBA program confessed to having a crush on me. When he saw that, he did not even bother to read further to decipher how I might feel about that. The simple fact that someone else expressed interest in me was enough to send him through the roof.

But he didn’t fess up to it right away. Instead he started acting really strange. Asking all sorts of suspicious questions. Interrogating me for a couple of weeks until I finally lost it.

Me: “You know what?!? This is getting really old. Are you accusing me of something or what?”

Him: “You want to know the truth?”

Me: “Uh, yeah!”

Him: “I read your blog. Who is it in your class that told you he has a crush on you?”

Me: “I knew it! I knew it! You had no right. Did you even read further, when I said I thought it was a little inappropriate? It’s not like I acted all flattered or something!”

No point. His ego had been damaged. How dare another man so boldly hit on his wife?

Him: “He came to my house! He drank my beer! There are rules. You just don’t hit on somebody’s else’s wife!”

Rules? Huh? Okay, I get it a little bit. But the anger thing, I did not appreciate because I did nothing wrong. Unless you count not telling him, but my philosophy over the years with this kind of stuff has been to keep him protected. Especially since it has never been of any consequence. Call me wrong, but he is just completely unreasonable about stuff like this.

Anyways, after that fiasco, I have been afraid to even open my blog for fear that he might come across it again. Then there was Little Star’s blog about her husband’s ex-wife hitting up her blog several times a day to decipher information that she would later use against her. I started worrying that my IP address was giving me away on the internet as a “stalker”, since I am notorious for using Google and My Space to find old classmates and co-workers unbeknownst to them. Or so I thought. What the hell?!? I started to realize I do not know enough about technology to not leave my digital fingerprints all over the damn web.

But I am feeling like I am ready to take a chance once again. This time with some rules and a little better understanding of what really does show up in a blog “counter” (Thanks Little Star!)

So I am back. At least for now.

New Beginnings

All my pain and suffering this past year has at last paid off--I found out yesterday that I have a new job! I am so excited and relieved at the same time. I will be working in a new department with really great people. Plus I will no longer have to do math all day long which was beginning to become such a bore. I will be working with customers directly and be responsible for project management. Plus there will be some opportunities for travel. It is such validation that I am finally being given an opportunity to do something that I think I will really be good at. What I was doing before I could have learned and eventually became okay at, but I was never going to be passionate about it. This new job, I really think I am going to enjoy. Yeah! Plus my old department is going through a big re-organization with new teams. I had just found out I was going to be placed on a team with someone I was not looking forward to working with. And now it just doesn't matter anymore.

I have had a heck of a year with work, so this is a huge payoff afterall. I still feel like I am dreaming, but thank goodness I am not!

The "It" Girl

I went to a barbecue this weekend for a friend from college. I was expecting to see the usual faces there. When out of no where--she was there. The "It" girl. You know the one. She was the one with the perfect clothes, the perfect life, the one that everyone loved, and the one that never gave you the time of day. Daddy is a plastic surgeon. Spring Break vacations were always spent somewhere fabulous, with a brand new wardrobe to go along. In the mornings, she would lay out her outfits on her door--always a label, always perfect. She worked out and had a great figure. All the cute boys talked to her. And everyone knew who she was.

Needless to say, not much has changed since. Except for now, she is pretty nice and you cannot help but to genuinely like her. Before I realized who she was, I had been admiring her from the backside--cute jeans, cute shoes, cute top. Come to find out she is 5 months pregnant and still manages to look as cute and sassy as always. She is an attorney. Husband is an orthodontist. They were in town for a mini-triathalon--"I was going to compete, but then I thought I had better not since I am preganant." Really?!? Because you ain't ever gonna catch me in a triathalon, mini or not, pregnant or not! She is just so stinking perfect and I could feel myself green with envy all over again.

Our 10 year college reunion is just around the corner. So we were discussing whether she plans to attend or no. Me? Well, I was the biggest dufus in college. Total dork. Totally ugly. I did not hang out with anyone, or attend all the cool parties. Unfortunately, I have some friends on the committee and they are really pressuring me to go. No one is going to remember me. And it will bring up all kinds of awkward feelings all over again. So I have every reason to not be excited about attending, right? Yet, I am going. Her on the other hand has every reason to go. She was the "It" girl afterall. Everyone will remember her. Plus she has the picture perfect life everyone expected. Yet, she is not that keen on it and probably won't be there.

I guess the lesson I learned is that people can and do change. We all grow up and even the "It" girl moves on. It was actually pretty cool to see her. I can see why she was so very popular. I really think she was and is a good person and therefore people were and continue to be drawn to her. She seems really genuine. Values family a lot. And I think friends, too. I guess I missed out by not getting to know her back then. Maybe it was my own awkwardness that put up what seems was probably an artificial barrier between us. And it is probably my insecurities that have continued to prevent me from giving her a chance up until now. I am glad I did. And now I think I too can move on.

School's cool!

Just a little over 6 months into grad school and only 30 minutes to spare before class starts. What to write? I knew that going back to graduate school would be life changing, but I never expected in what ways. Of course I am learning a lot and growing my mind, but I never anticipated the "spiritual" awakening that I am undergoing. Not spiritual in terms of God or anything like that, but just a need to find a higher purpose and a calling to define my legacy. I used to laugh when people talked about personal mission statements, now all of a sudden I am clammering to try to come up with my own. Crazy!

Not only have I undergone so many changes in my mind and soul, but I look at the group of people that I have surrounding me today and it is a completely different group of people then who I was surrounded by just 6 months ago. That was a transformation I was not anticipating either.

I had to make a decision to get rid of a lot of the baggage. I realized pretty quickly, now that I have such limited time, where my energy is best spent. If you are not positively contributing to my life, you have got to go. At least for the time being. I just don't have the energy to be the pillar that I have always been to so many. At first I felt kind of shitty about it. I mean I have always played the role of responsible, head on straight for others. But seriously, I just do not have the energy to try to hold anyone else up right now. I need to be selfish and think of me.

I am so thankful that I made the decision to go back to school. Right now things at work are not going so well and I am so greatful to have such a positive influence in my life that school provides. I can absolutely control the outcome. There are no stupid politics involved. I get the validation that I need. And a reminder that I am not the loser that I am made to feel like everywhere else. Here I can contribute meaningfully and receive back meaningfully. It is exactly what I need in my life right now and a big reason why I can let so many of the fucked up things around me go.

I have not felt this much at peace in a long while. I get the month of August off which will be fabulous. It will give me some much needed time to catch up with friends and family, myself, and with chores around the house. But I will also be very thankful when the weather changes once again and it is time to hunker down and hit those books once again. I am so thankful to those in my life who encouraged me to take the leap and continue to cheer me on (you all know who you are). It is a good feeling to know that people believe in you, even when the world around you gets tough.

Loser!

A few weeks ago, there was an announcement at work that one of the newer folks received a promotion over me. What the hell?!? I was pretty pissed, so I went to my manager and had a discussion. Receiving a promotion after just a year and half is practically unheard of in my position. In fact, there are specific criteria that you must meet and rumor has it that several exceptions were made. No way this can be happening to me. It is my biggest fear realized. I am going to get left behind.

Nine months ago, I took a temporary assignment to head up a special project. I was told it was going to be such a great opportunity. In many ways it has been, but the result is that ultimately I must return to my old job where I am nine months behind everyone else. "Don't look at it as though you are being penalized," my manger says to me. "You made a choice." Yes, but how much of a choice do you really have in these situations, right? To say no would have set me back in a different direction.

So now here I am, the fifth year senior. No promotion in sight for me in the near future. In fact, when she ran it up the ladder, it was a unanimous "Not right now." So if not now, when? Especially considering that she is not going to help me to get the exposure I need to get there.

This just adds insult to injury, seeing as I was recently declined for another position within the company just a few short weeks ago. I feel like I am spinning my wheels in the sand and going no where. I am being told that my focus has been to diversified. In other words, I should have made better decisions about what I thought I wanted to do. Because my focus was too broad and directed more towards leadership. So now I am feeling like all that "exposure" I received was all for not, and my manager is making me feel like an ingrate. "I sacrificed myself, so that you could have that opportunity." Are you kidding me with that shit?!?

Well great because it got both of us a whole lot of nowhere. What the hell am I doing with my life? I am back at school to get a degree, and now I am really beginning to question if it is even worth it. Especially since the resounding message that I am getting at work is that I am a fuck up loser that is not good enough to do anything. I am so frustrated right now. I got the news Monday about my promotion and I left work early. Then I called in today. I am so over it right now. I wish I never had to go back there.

I am sure I am going to get sandbagged now that all the managers know that I asked to be considered for a promotion. When pleading my case, my manager made the smart move of mentioning the other person, so now I am sure all the managers think I am immature and spiteful. GREAT! Just what I need. That will be super going forward for the rest of my damn career. I might as well get out while I can. No one likes a complainer and a whiner. "How is she different from Superstar?" Really?!? Who in the hell says that? No, that doesn't paint me in a bad light or anything. Especially since Superstar is the VPs pet. Nice job! I am sure I will never be living this one down. Might as well plan on being in my position for several more years.

I cannot help but to believe that the universe is sending me a message. Maybe I am really that dull. Maybe I am truly not deserving of any position of rank. I am having serious doubts about my abilities. Especially since it is coming from a multitude of sources. Who am I kidding? "Most Likely to Succeed" my ass. I guess I was the fool to believe it. Clearly that is not the case. I wasn't good enough at my previous job and I am still not good enough. And from the sounds of things I probably never will be.

Making myself crazy

It has not been this quite down here in a while. Not sure what the difference is this week from the last few, but I am definitely a little bored today. To compound matters, there is no one to email or chat at. K was good for that. For better or worse.

I want to be home playing in the sun. I have class tonight. So I will run home and change. I have nothing to deliver tonight. I need to try to get the banking done in bits and pieces. It is critical that I at least deal with stuff that is due.

I also need to start working on my paper. I will tackle it beginning tomorrow. 3-4 hours beginning between 6 and 7. I need to get C's invites in the mail tonight. I am going to stop worrying about how much or how little notice we are giving folks. I figure it is her shower, so she only has herself to blame. I tried getting this information from her a while back.

I should give Little Star a call. I need someone to ground me. I am feeling a little frazzled and overwhelmed. She is a calming influence that can take me outside of myself for a little bit. She is far removed from my crazy life, so has no opinions either way.

I would like to see people, but need to realize that I am not obligated. Nor do I have to feel obligated to see anyone. It is not priority and the school thing is temporary and expensive. So I should try to focus. I can do that. It helps to reduce the stress level.

Why do I care? I have this need to be the harmonizer. I do not like it when people are not in harmony. I assume that L is unhappy, but I do not know that for fact. Operating on that assumption, makes me "pity" her and seek out criticism. It is quite possible that everything is just fine, so I need to stop trying to fix things. Okay. Beginning tomorrow, I am going to stop trying to fix what I perceive to be broken. It is highly likely nothing is broken at all. Be more like D. Disinterested. Not that being disinterested is a negative. Another assumption. I associate that behavior with a lack of compassion. Not so. Really a much smarter strategy than my own.

Need to really inwardly focus. Spending too much energy wasted worrying about others and how to fix their problems. Worrying about others and what they think of me or how they perceive me. Worrying that people will forget about me if I don't make all the required appearances.

I spent some down time just not worrying about anything at all last night. It was really nice. It helped me to put much of what is going around me in perspective. I discovered that not very much of it matters at all. The world is not going to come to an end if I don't finish my laundry, or skip a chapter in my reading, or get to the grocery store. I really just need to chill out.