Lemonada!

At age 30 I have just discovered this wonderful drink! It is so refreshing and tasty. Forget Ginger Ale, my new favorite summer drink is lemonada! I plan to drink it all summer long. Problem is a six pack costs almost $6.00 and the only place I have found that carries it is Cost Plus. This could be problematic. I love it because it is sparkly and tart, not syrup sweet like Minute Made and not flat like Crystal Light. Plus it is European--Italian to be precise, and it comes in these cute little bottles which make me feel chic and trendy. If you don't believe me, I was at Old Navy yesterday and what did I find but a Lemonada T-shirt! Who knew?!? Unfortunately they did not have my size and the closest store is somewhere way north, but I could hardly believe my eyes. Especially since I just discovered this wonderful little treasure.

But maybe why I like it so much is that it reminds me that there are so many more of these wonderful treasures left to be discovered in life! So many places to go and see. Things to try and do! It is inspirational to me in a time when my life is a little unsure. "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade," right? For me, it is lemonada! Whenever I think about it, it brings a goofy smile to my face.

Dazed and Confused

I am ready to go home and throw the covers over my head. It has just been one emotionally exhausting day after another. I feel raw with emotion and I am finding it very difficult to be here at work right now. I just want to go home, pull the covers over my head and cry. I would lock myself in the bathroom here if I could, but there is no privacy and I am due to go home in 15 minutes. So there would be no point. My first thought is "I need a drink!" I know that is not going to help me. What I need is a head shrink! Maybe it is time for me to really do it this time. I have tried twice before and failed, but I just don't know how much more of this I can take. It hurts! It really hurts and I can't hold it inside anymore. I don't want to hold it inside anymore. Being around my family this weekend brought so many feelings to the surface. It affected me in unexpected ways. There are so many thoughts and feelings racing through my mind.

What will people say when it is my turn to go? Will I look back and be able to say I have no unfinished business? What lessons will others learn from me? How not to be a coward? How not to let life pass you by? What purpose does family really serve anyway? Some say that love makes a family--no matter color, creed, or blood relation. Others say, blood is thicker than water. Which is it? You can choose your friends but you cannot choose your family. Now I know why so many people decide to move far away and disown their relatives. It is just too much. The guilt. The obligation. The unspoken rules. The balancing act. I don't want to care anymore. It is so damn exhausting.

Are large families any different then small? I don't believe so. My husband's family is small and they have a lot of drama. The issues are different, but the drama is still the same. But with him, he does not care. It does not bother him. He does not have the same sense of obligation. Where does that come from? Why do I care so much? Besides my immediate family, it is not like any of them have helped me with anything

My parents are moving to Texas this weekend. Maybe after my mother is gone I will have more clarity. Whenever she is around I feel so helpless. Like I am 12 years old all over again. Afraid to disappoint. Always trying to please. I think the distance will do me some good. I just need to be in my own personal space for a while. But for now, I just need to pull it together enough to get myself home on the MAX.

Apathy - Part II

Ridiculous things always happen on the MAX. I have come to expect it and realize it is part of the consequence of living in the "inner city". Once a man pulled out a hyperdermic needle asking, "How many cc's? Are you going to be a boy or a man? How many cc's?!?" He was clearly deranged and thankfully the question was more rhetorical, rather than directed towards anyone in particular on the train. Once I was scolded for not wearing gloves and the appropriate shoes for Oregon weather. Then there is always the occasional drunk or meth user, passing out or tweaking nearby. It is public transportation afterall. I am just thankful to make it home safely, where I can escape from it all. That is until recently.

The other night I was on the phone to a girlfriend, when I hear the front doorbell. No one ever uses the front door. So immediately I knew it was some stranger. As I came around the corner, I saw an unfamiliar women through the window. I was alone in the house and against my best judgement, I answered the door anyways. She is standing there with a handful of large empty juice containers and wants to know if she can use my garden hose to fill them up. Is this some kind of joke? My water bill every three months is over $200. Am I really going to allow some homeless stranger to use my hose? "No!" I tell her and she looks at me with the attitude. Whatever! I go back to the phone conversation with my girlfriend. Not five minutes later, I hear the doorbell again. What now? Holly hell--I can hardly belive it! She is back.

I open the door and ask "Can I help you?!?" She started lecturing me about God! "I hope that someday God comes to your door and is thirsty and-" I interrupt, "Are you f&*!king kidding me right now?!? Get off my f___g porch!" She goes on, "If you have any faith at all-" Again I interrupt, "I don't lady! So get of my f___g porch right now before I call the policy. Does my house look like some f___g homeless shelter to you?!?" Finally, she gets it. "God bless you, sister!" she says as she walks away. Call me heartless, but I really have no tolerance for homeless people. Again, not my problem you made poor choices and screwed up your life. I work hard for everything that I have and so does my husband. And I really don't appreciate being approached, of all places, in my home. It is bad enough that I get hit up at least twice a day in the transient mall on my way to and from work.

It is not that I am against charity, but I believe that it should be on my own terms. This is the third time in the last month or so that we have been approached by pan-handlers in front of our house. Again I expect this Downtown or while on the MAX, but not while I am doing yard work or walking the dogs in the park! It is bad enough they squat on the bluff beyond the park. Sometimes they are even bold enough to pitch a tent or roll out a sleeping bag in the wide open and stay the night. If I want to camp in a state park, I have to pay a user fee. So why should they receive the privelege at no cost? In addition, my damn tax dollars go towards the maintenance of the park for everyone to enjoy. There is nothing enjoyable about seeing a bunch of drunk homeless people passed out under a tree at 9:30 AM in the morning.

Call me unfeeling, but I am just tired of it. Why is it that I don't notice this problem in other cities? I think it is a Portland thing. I think that we are just too liberal here and too tolerant. You would think the rain woud keep them away. Or maybe it is just a North Portland thing. Trust me, if this crap was happening in Lake Oswego, they would find a way to put a stop to it quick. Such BS! There was one little meth house in NW Portland and the Portland Police provided a dedicated officer to the neighborhood to resolve the problem. We have an entire strip of crime infested hotels up and down Interstate, but because it is No Po, no one gives a damn. Things will never change. It is a government conspiracy I think.

Apathy - Part I

The homeless problem in Portland is getting out of hand. Just the other day I got on the MAX to go home when a group of homeless teens boarded with me. I have resorted to sitting up front near the conductor in the afternoons to avoid the rif-raf that take advantage of "Fairless Square". No luck today. They decide to sit in front of me. They have a pit bull puppy with them. Animals are not allowed on MAX unless contained, but something tells me they are not into rules. It is only 4:00 PM and already they are slurring their words. Immediately I notice a stench and I hold my breath to try to keep the contents of my stomach from coming up. I look around hurriedly for an escape. Damn! The train is full. I bury my head back into my book and resume to holding my breath.

It gets worse. The guy has a large hole in his earlobe with a pencil pushed through. It is red and looks infected. Soon he removes the pencil to expose the hole and now I am looking straight through to the other side. Gross! All of a sudden his girlfriend starts picking at the wound. Oh my God! The puss begins to ooze, and, wait--she has found a pimple on his neck. She decides to pick at that, too. I am really in a panic now. I try to look away, but it is like a train wreck. Concerned for my safety, I have lost all concentration and put my book down. She is showing him the "juice". The train is even more crowded now and I cannot get away. As we come across the bridge to the next stop, I could hardly believe what happened next. He has now removed his shirt and she has begin picking the pimples on his back!!!! That was about all I could handle. I was off at the next stop.

I took out my cell phone to call a ride. Of course I could not find anyone to pick me up. My mother was at the mall and my husband was more than 45 minutes away. I could not bear the thought of getting back on the next train. So I started to walk. Just a few blocks away was a new bar. My plan was to stop there, enjoy a beer, and wait for someone to come get me. I needed a drink bad. Unfortunately, I wore heels and a suit that day. After four blocks I arrived at the new bar. It was closed and my feet were beginning to throb. Feeling absolutely defeated, I gave in and walked across the street to the nearby MAX station. I had no choice but to get back on. I still had a mile or more to go, mostly uphill. I would not make it on my own.

I was so mad! I pay $30 a month to ride that damn train. I get my butt out of bed everyday, to go to work to make that $30. And these damn people, they get on the train with no regard for anyone else. They smell bad. They have their dog on the train. They are disrespectful. They don't pay. And I am the one that has to get off and walk? "Fairless Square" is a nice convenience, but I would support doing away with it in order to stop subsidizing transportation for the homeless. Everyone else has to pay, including the welfare people, so what should make them any different? I just don't really feel like it is my problem. Nor do I care!