Dazed and Confused
I am ready to go home and throw the covers over my head. It has just been one emotionally exhausting day after another. I feel raw with emotion and I am finding it very difficult to be here at work right now. I just want to go home, pull the covers over my head and cry. I would lock myself in the bathroom here if I could, but there is no privacy and I am due to go home in 15 minutes. So there would be no point. My first thought is "I need a drink!" I know that is not going to help me. What I need is a head shrink! Maybe it is time for me to really do it this time. I have tried twice before and failed, but I just don't know how much more of this I can take. It hurts! It really hurts and I can't hold it inside anymore. I don't want to hold it inside anymore. Being around my family this weekend brought so many feelings to the surface. It affected me in unexpected ways. There are so many thoughts and feelings racing through my mind.
What will people say when it is my turn to go? Will I look back and be able to say I have no unfinished business? What lessons will others learn from me? How not to be a coward? How not to let life pass you by? What purpose does family really serve anyway? Some say that love makes a family--no matter color, creed, or blood relation. Others say, blood is thicker than water. Which is it? You can choose your friends but you cannot choose your family. Now I know why so many people decide to move far away and disown their relatives. It is just too much. The guilt. The obligation. The unspoken rules. The balancing act. I don't want to care anymore. It is so damn exhausting.
Are large families any different then small? I don't believe so. My husband's family is small and they have a lot of drama. The issues are different, but the drama is still the same. But with him, he does not care. It does not bother him. He does not have the same sense of obligation. Where does that come from? Why do I care so much? Besides my immediate family, it is not like any of them have helped me with anything
My parents are moving to Texas this weekend. Maybe after my mother is gone I will have more clarity. Whenever she is around I feel so helpless. Like I am 12 years old all over again. Afraid to disappoint. Always trying to please. I think the distance will do me some good. I just need to be in my own personal space for a while. But for now, I just need to pull it together enough to get myself home on the MAX.
posted by Rocky @ 3:27 PM
3 Comments:
Yep, family relationships can be tough... I learned to detatch along time ago. I think if I hadn't I would have had a neuro melt down years ago. I've mastered a few defense mechanisms that i've over used to the extent that I just masked the problem... I think learning to work through things is the healthest approach, just don't ask me how to do that... I'm still working on it.
A counselor is probably a good start, but it's hard to find the right one I hear, and who wants to invest all the time and money into a person, stiring up thoughts and feelings for two maybe three sessions just to conclude the person's not right for you, and then what, do it all over again...
It's a huge commitment.
A second idea might just be girlfriend group theropy!!! Don't underestimate it... it's all about expressing yourself anyway...
One bit of advice that I have that is easy to give but harder to follow, is, be true to yourself...
Find out what your values are, be honest to yourself about them, own them, love them, and then live by them... Everyone may not agree with any given philosophy, but they'll respect that you hold it and live by it...And you'll be so much happier!
Wow, emotional overload. I'm there with you sista. I recommend a therapist. I like the thought of an objective and perceptive listener, helping you focus and evaluate all your emotions.
I have been spending a lot of time thinking about family and friends myself. I miss my dad a ton. But then, I remember the decrease of stress I have by moving a few states away.
ANyway, just blogging can help too!
XOXO
I have thoroughly enjoyed my seperation. you mentioned feeling like you are 12 when your mom is around.. I felt the saem way.. people ask me everyday why dont I move home if I miss them so much. I CANT. I dont feel like I could step outside their box unless I am out of their reach.
Your parents moving will help you feel less dependent on their approvals. at least I think it will.
I am TOTALLY not ashamed to share that I see a "counselor" in fact I love it and look forward to it every 3 weeks. She is non related and knows nothing about my life, I dont feel like I have to embellish or make myself look good or anything. Our talks are very raw, sometimes emotional and sometimes just a bitch-fest on my part.
Hang in there. I thinks its our ages!!!
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